strangely comfortable with it

deals, deals

2011-11-15T17:49:00.001-05:00

So yesterday I was in Value Village with friends and I wasn't really looking at much. But I decided to go to the show section and there on the shelf were a pair of Keen's that I have wanted to buy FOREVER! Seriously, ever since I saw them in Adventure Attic....waaayyy back when I was still living downtown Hammer town! And there they were for dirt, dirt cheap!! Practically $100 off the original price! And they are in excellent shape! I love deals like that! It warms my heart!!

Sunsets & hammocks

2011-11-14T16:47:00.001-05:00

This is what life is about.

The hills are alive with the sound of music

2011-11-13T20:27:00.001-05:00

Home for me will always be Ontario. It is beautiful and has many, many secret beautiful places that I will only share with special people in my life! But, here I will tell you a slightly embarrassing story about one of my favourite places in Ontario!

This weekend I drove 8 hours to hang out with friends in Thunder Bay. I went to teacher's college here and fell in love with the city. I love the mix of people. I love that people drive around with boats on their roof rack. I love that from almost any point in the city you can either see the Sleeping Giant or Mount McKay. I love the farmers market here. I love that a large part of the population are ex-Torontoians looking for adventure. I love that just minutes from the city limits is pure, unadulterated wilderness. I love that it is on the shores of Lake Superior. And that's just a few of the things that I love about TBay.
One of the things I love are the hills that surround the city. And so as I drove along some of the back country roads, I took a moment to stop and take a picture with my phone. As I was getting back in my car, a truck pulled up beside me to make sure that I was okay.

Gentlemen: "You okay?"
Me: "Oh yeah, I'm good."
Gentlemen: "You sure?"
Me (not to sure how much to share):" Oh yeah......I just.....wanted to take a picture...."
Gentlemen:" Deer!?"
Me: "Pffttt...No! I just, well..."(debating quickly in my mind what to say)".....well, I've been living in Manitoba for awhile and I miss hills!"
Gentlemen (large smile):" haha okay, have a good one!"
Me:" Thanks!"

And here is the picture! Look at those hills in the background! Now that's what farm land looks like!!

getting back to my roots

2011-11-09T19:39:00.002-05:00

Once upon a time, two stunning girls were talking about how the internet is amazing and endless and how there are all these people who write about their dull lives! So they decided that they would write about their lives because they were quite exciting (and did I mention snarky) girls. They also liked to poke fun at trends and the dull people who thought they were oh- so- cool. They also liked to find ridiculous things online and share them with each other. And so in this spirit, in this time of remembering I bring to you, The Oatmeal. If you have not yet discovered this gem on your own, let me be the first to introduce you this little website filled with wonderfully drawn comics, jokes and grammar lessons. I'm strangely comfortable with it and know you will be too.

In my attempts to try and make this blog even more interesting...here is a lovely picture of the stunning girls who are saucier than you. Daily.

you know...

2011-11-08T22:28:00.000-05:00

I think I am a fadist. That, or I am ahead of my times and so now that everyone and their dog is blogging, I don't. Blogs are so 2003. Well I pretend they are so I don't feel guilty about not blogging. But it has been on my mind a lot to start again. To have a place to put my thoughts down for no one in particular but me.

But then I get to the blogger dashboard and my thoughts are gone. Today I'm lucky and a few snippets are there, but they were the ones that I wanted to write down privately so I could elaborate later and hopefully come up with something genius!

So for now, instead of being silly and witty as has been the intent and hopefully product of this blog, I thought I'd try journaling; what I did or didn't do, my thoughts and dare I say, my feelings!

Today my phone powered off due to losing battery life at an untimely moment. The moon had risen high just at dusk and with people still on the zipline, it looked beautiful. Moments like that I really love my job; being outside and exposing kids to new experiences. It's great. But I guess since I've been given "more responsibility" (funny how that doesn't come with a pay raise or a job title....) I've been thinking more about "the job". I think I can officially say I am middle management. And it's weird and kinda pointless. In some ways what I do does make a difference-probably the same amount of difference I was making last year in the 'underling' position. But I have more opportunity to make change and make a difference but it seems now that I have to prove myself worthy of these "new responsibilities"..I think it strange that after proving myself through the resume, the interview and year of work...I have to prove myself again. Seems a little backwards to me. I know with jobs you are always having to show your competence. It's a given. But you would think that if you are asked to take on more it's because you have already shown yourself able to handle more and now being given an opportunity to show what you can do. At least I have always been treated that way in the past, so I find this strange to be in this position. For now, I'm going with it and I'll see how much trouble comes and how much I'm valued or not and who knows! Maybe I'll be home before you know it!

forgetful post

2010-10-09T21:55:00.000-04:00

Well I thought of a bunch of things that I should blog about, but I really need to start writing them down! Because as soon as I actually get to a computer I forget! Anyways, the move went well. The trip out here with my mom was a lot of fun! She is so great and supportive and just 50 kinds of wonderful! My new home however is not. I have had far too many adventures with my plumbing in the last week then I would care for in a lifetime. Maybe I am not as hardcore as you would expect!

Other than my toilet gurgling and making weird noises, things seem to be going fairly well! The work is fun so that means the pay sucks! Living far from home also kinda sucks....but I am sure I will get use to it!

an (weak) epihany

2009-03-16T07:27:00.002-04:00

One of the reasons I thought I would get back into blogging is because it is a great place for me to record some of my random thoughts. I had a random thought in church back in January. The sermon was on the wise men and how they were educated and found the star, followed it and found Jesus, etc. Anyways I just thought it was neat that God revealed himself through a star -he used astronomy and encouraged thepeople who were studying the stars (so not biblical scholars or religious leaders) to come and seek him. Basically God took a group of people who were not overly religious -wisemen, shepherds to meet on his first day on earth. Anyways, it was back in January and I didn't write it down when I should have so a lot of my initial thoughts and connections are gone.But it was mainly that God chose non-religious folk and he used their gift's and talents to reveal himself. huh.

done with this for awhile

2008-12-17T13:46:00.002-05:00

I think my blog has finally lost it's novelty. Perhaps it's because everyone has one now (and you know me and my trendiness ;)). I think facebook and instant chatting and the ability to see most of my close friends more often has minimized my need for a blog. I also don't have a lot to say. And not a lot that I want lots of strangers reading. I have entertained putting a password on my blog, but then I feel that is a bit extreme -and then I'd have to remember yet ANOTHER password. So I think for now I will take an official break. I think once I get back into a more insanely active lifestyle, like if I go back to school or live miles away from my friends I will return to the blog. But for now, I'm done.

woodland creature

2008-10-21T18:49:00.001-04:00

I feel like a woodland creature. All I feel that I do is eat and sleep...like I am preparing for a long, big winter. I hope this isn't true. I am all ready looking forward to summer and to camp! Here's hoping that grad school is a go!!!

hrrmmm

2008-10-09T23:12:00.000-04:00

I've been thinking. Thinking a lot lately, about a lot of things. currently I am trying to decide if going back to grad school is actually in my best interest. I've also been looking at a job posting that's been up for the last 3 months and am deciding if it is worthwhile to apply to it. It would mean a move as I'm not to sure I could afford to keep my current place. And that would bring a whole host of questions of how to move, plus it's a contract position. I also want to get more involved and am having trouble finding the kinds of things I want to do, like a recreation group filled with people close to my age. I need to get out more..but it's hard to find ways to do that.

Hiiiiii!!

2008-10-01T21:17:00.003-04:00

I'm watching Baby Mama and quite enjoying it. It is rather funny. I've got nothing new to truly report. I'm trying to find a volunteer position that's not with kids and more with the environment.

I went camping last weekend and did some caving, rappelling and climbing. It was a lot of fun and pictures are up on flickr! I can't wait to find a full time camp job!!

I didn't even get a lousy t-shirt

2008-09-18T22:13:00.002-04:00

I don't have a lot to say these days. I just keep being busy with work and life. I've been watching the office a lot and I love Jim & Pam. Heck, if I could find my own version of Jim life would be fantastic. Speaking of that...I've been thinking of trying non-traditional methods of dating, like internet dating. I just feel that I never met people. I have huge circles of friends yet usually the friends of friends are a little sketch or not my type. Other avenues such as social groups whether from church or volunteering seem to be working. I hate when people tell me not to look because that's when you find. GARBAGE. I've been there. Nothing. I've been actively pursuing. Nothing. I've done pretty much everything I know and NOTHING. So unless you people know of anyone who is up for adventurous dating or know anything more on how to communicate interest or find boys brave enough, please share because I'm all out of ideas.

So done with this

2008-08-28T22:24:00.003-04:00

I have poison ivy. For the very first time in my life and considering my camping experience, I have poison ivy. It is awful. I thought at first (since I've never had it) that I must have scabbies or bed bugs. Even the doctor I first went to (yay for not having a family doctor-that is sarcasm), thought it was a bug bite. $32 later in a wrong prescription and 4 days later when I went out to camp I discovered that I have poison ivy. It is believed that I picked it up from one of my visits to some organic farms that I went to with my garden club. I would not wish it upon anyone. It is hellish. But now that it's clearing it up, it's so not so bad, but boy does it look gross! But I'm so done with the itchiness and red & blotchy skin.

I got to be at camp oneida this summer! SMILE! It was incredible. I got to be in one of the best places ever and I had 11 wonderful ladies in my cabin. It reminded me that I love teens and I love investing and mentoring people. So I am hoping to spend some time doing that this fall! I am so excited for school in 2009 or a full time camp position. I am so done with day camp. I miss the outdoors and outdoor activities. It just does not compare!!

nalgeno

2008-08-06T21:11:00.003-04:00

Did I mention that I got a new nalgene bottle which is BPA free!? I am very excited about that. A cancer free bottle! I'm still gonna use my old one cause I love it and well I'm gonna die one day. It could be tomorrow and what difference would drinking a nalegene wit bpa have done? Nothing, that's what.

Lost

2008-08-06T17:34:00.002-04:00

Quite the fitting title to recap all my adventures. Today I lost my nice sunglasses to the lake at the conservation area that we were at. BOO! I've also lost the money my boss gave me to go and buy supplies. :S How wonderful and VERY uncharacteristic of me. I am a little stressed because of that but also because I am living at my mom's taking care of the dogs but have my own cat to deal with as well and so have a lot of driving to do with a car with a WACKED out heating/cooling system.

This weekend however was so great! It was so wonderful to escape my real life and fully immerse myself back into camp life even if it was only for a little while. But I got to help with campfire which was fun. Not my best, but fun. In between campsessions I went backpacking around the Bruce Trail in the Caledon area, which was beautiful. Tiring, but nice. I just love being outdoors, cooking, sitting, sleeping...everything OUTDOORS. It was great! But we lost our maps and someone STOLE them?! Who does that?! It didn't make us lost, just uncertain of where we were going, but we're smart kids and figured it out! There will be pictures up on Flickr soon from our adventure weekend!

week 4

2008-07-28T16:49:00.002-04:00

It is week 4 of day camp and it is our biggest camp so far. I was really nervous about it, but we had a great day today!! And we get to swim an extra day this week which is very exciting!! I love being able to go to an outdoor pool and swim. It's pretty exciting!! Tomorrow will be an interesting day as we should have all the kids who were absent today with us putting us at a grand total of 39 kids with just 3 staff! But we are going to spend almost all day at the park and we're playing soccer baseball using mini pools as bases. It's pretty sweet.

What's not exciting is that my car has something wacky going on with the heating/cooling system which may involve a gasket going. But I've been doing some thinking and I am thinking about saving up for school (though I need to be accepted first). But I've been thinking of taking my car off the road which would save in gas, insurance and maintenance. My car has to last till the end of August, and hopefully I can solve the problem in my car before that and for cheap. But come Sept it may be worth while to give the car up and save. If I need a car I can always rent one and maybe one day soon a car sharing program will come to Hamilton! Something to think about at least.

i miss camp

2008-07-15T22:04:00.003-04:00

Day camp is just not the same as real camp. I like it enough. It's kinda a close second. It's great that I get to spend so much time outside in the sun and the weather has been incredible! But I miss campfires, canoeing, meals in the dining hall/barn. It's just not the same. But it's been nice having my evenings...at least in the sense of trying to get some things organized. Like maybe taking a course in the fall and getting grad school application stuff sorted out.

I really hope I get into grad school so I can go back to camp next year. I don't care about the money, I just want to be at camp. Even if I go to a new camp I would be happy!

If you're in the Hamilton area please brighten my summer with a visit! If not, emails and facebook messages are always welcomed! Or comments on my blog or flickr fotos!

touching base

2008-06-29T18:23:00.003-04:00

I really have nothing new to blog about. My hours at work are changing. It will be 8:30-4:30 until school starts back up in Sept. I will enjoy having my evenings, which will be spent either running or at garden club. Have I mentioned how much I am loving my volunteering experience with the Kids Garden Club? No? Well let me tell you know then, I absolutely enjoy it (even more than my job if I am allowed to say that).

I have posted some new pics on flickr to our adventure Sunday set. So check that out.

And I am thinking of doing this masters program. It's just a thought right now, but maybe I will actually do something about it. I would like to get my masters before I turn 30. So I better be getting on that.

fiddling

2008-06-18T22:38:00.001-04:00

So as you can see I've been doing some fiddling here on the blog, fixing it up with some 'new' colours and a new banner! Thanks for all your input. I did try to get the writing to move over and I tried cropping it various was and different fonts and all, but decided that the waterfall one just looked the best, and so that is what I went with, plus it will make you all love me the more!

I went rappelling on the weekend! Tres exciting! Check out photos on flickr! Also, I've randomly found a site that will sell my photos for me, so I am giving it a whirl! Email me for info or FB me!

I aim to please

2008-06-01T23:06:00.002-04:00

Alright folks. I have been contemplating redesign for quite some time now. I have fiddled with some of my photos to make banners and these are the 2 I like the best. I like both of them so much, that I cannot pick one. So please help me out with your comments and tell me which one is your favourite.

Banner 1

Banner 2

say what?

2008-05-28T14:00:00.004-04:00

I was white water rafting in Quebec this past weekend. It was a ton of fun. I really enjoyed myself, though the picture might express differently. I was a little nervous and at some points terrified, but it was AWESOME. It really encouraged my love of outdoor pursuits and that I don't need to settle for a 9-5 job, that I can really do what I love to do and that's being outdoors, meeting new people and learning new things. So I am not to sure what that's going to look like in my future, but I am excited to really start exploring that. Man, I wish I had this confidence 7 years ago!!!

caves and mud

2008-05-18T15:47:00.003-04:00

Yesterday was a jam packed day. It was filled with fun, friends and food. It even included caving and some mud flinging. Here are a few pics!

Housemates, BLOG!

2008-05-14T08:06:00.002-04:00

Yay I have 2 new blogs to read thanks to 2 of my wonderful housemates. Well my old housemeates (tear). Beca has one about how she is going to Cambodia. Christine just has a new one. Check them out if you can.

In other exciting news, I showed Tracy this website, and she got a few more people to get involved and now all summer along I will be eating FRESH, LOCAL and Organic veggies. That makes me smile BIG!

I've gone running twice this week. I do a lot of walking but it seems as though running uses different muscles because I can barely walk now. But it's been a lot of fun getting into a regular routine. 2 mornings of running, one of sleeping Thursdays I go to the Farmers Market in the morning and Fridays I sleep again because I walk to my mom's to watch Battlestar Galactica. It takes me an hour to walk there.

Darkness Charlie, Darkness

2008-04-20T07:27:00.003-04:00

I was looking back over some past blog posts and it's nice to see that I have grown and things to change.

Anyways, the reason I was looking at past posts was to see if I had posted the Charlie the Unicorn video that was on YouTube. This video made me laugh and laugh and laugh. And now my friends there is a part 2. Yes, a part 2 and I am very happy. I hope you enjoy.

I am off to Toronto today. I get to go to Toronto for 2 weekends in a row. This visit is more of a spontaneous one. But I get to hang out with some favourite people that I will not get to see for a very long time. So the plan is to have lots of fun and adventures and take lots of pictures!!!!

disappointment

2008-04-16T23:18:00.001-04:00

I forgot NRD 2008. How could such a thing slip me by?! Maybe it's because I am working full time and lead a rather boring life, so boring that even mr. norman reedus can no longer bring excitement?! Say it ain't so!

memory, all alone in my memory

2008-03-11T23:22:00.002-04:00

I finally saw Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind. I know, I am a little slow on the uptake. But I loved it. Very creative and a good story. It even made me a little teary eyed.

I also watched Joyeux Noel as well. Also very good.

I like good movies, they make me smile.

It's bittersweet

2008-03-07T06:51:00.003-05:00

Wow. I haven't blogged in over a month! And I am strangely comfortable with that. I haven't really felt inspired to blog. But I do have new news to report. I have been offered a full time permanent position with the organization I have been working with! So that is exciting!! I am going to be able to see a dentist!!!! And I will be able to start paying off more of my debt and even save! It is with sadness that I have to take this job. The greenhouse has been good to me. I have to give up going to camp in the summer. And I have to leave the site I am currently working on and move to a different site. I really like the school I am at. But I know this is what I need to do. So it looks like I will be staying in Hamilton longer than I thought.

all in a day's work

2008-01-26T09:22:00.000-05:00

Yesterday I was working with some plants, when one of the 'branches' started to move towards me. I yelped and dropped the plant and a little tiny lizard scurried off under some trays. I was not expecting that at all.

At my other job I spent a good 10-15 min on my hands and knees on a very, very, very dirty floor looking for a lost tooth. Did I mention that our snack was popcorn? Right, child size tooth and crumbs of popcorn have a striking resemblance.

some discoveries

2008-01-19T22:18:00.001-05:00

I found out that Fortinos, a large supermarket sells my favourite brand of fair trade goods. I was very excited.

I also watched a movie tonight called Winter Passing. I really enjoyed it. I loved the soundtrack the best. But the story, though dark and sad was beautiful.

All in all it was a fun, wonderful day. I like having good days.

Investing

2008-01-10T23:31:00.000-05:00

I had some great thoughts the other night and then promptly forgot them all when I thought about blogging. However, I have decided tonight that I am going to stop investing in the boy(s) (let's be honest there is really only one, and might as well be none) in my life. Instead I am going to take the time I would spend thinking about him or writing useless emails and setting up play dates and use it to invest into Grey's Anatomy.

I did not watch tonight's episode but saw a trailer and heard a song that was suppose to play at the end and thought it would have been a fantastic episode. I have only started watching this year and thought initially it all to be about sex. But after some time getting to know the characters a little, I am okay with content of the show and I am ready to take my enjoyment of Grey's to the next level. Since I have only started in season 4, I have 3 seasons worth to catch up on. I have a free Saturday in the upcoming weekend (not this Saturday but next), and so I think with a tub of ice cream and rented dvd's, I am going to be come best friends with my couch and bestest friends with Meredith Grey.

Snow Pirate

2008-01-03T16:59:00.000-05:00

Our New Year's Day I woke up to see lots and lots of pretty snow! So I woke up my friend and asked him to come and play in the snow, our other friend soon joined us and this was our final product!

Yarrrr!!! Snow Pirate!

worth it

2007-12-22T06:43:00.000-05:00

The other day I was having dinner with a friend who lives in the community I work in. There was a knock on the door and a group of carolers was soon assembled. Amongst the group were some of the kids I work with. At first they were confused as to why I was there. (out of context!) But then I was greeted with a chorus of SANDA!!! And lots of hugs! It reminded me of why I do my job. And made the last 3 days before Christmas break far more enjoyable.

I was also introduced to Sufjan Stevens. He has written the sound track to my life and I am in love.
I so badly want to buy his cd.

In Memoriam

2007-12-12T07:38:00.000-05:00

Hard to believe it's been a year.

I'm okay

2007-12-11T20:32:00.000-05:00

I know my last post sounded rather whiny and self-pity'ish'. I just want people to understand where I am coming from AND writing it helps me sort through some things I need to.

Anyways I thought I might post something that made me laugh over the weekend.

So enjoy.

The baggage of being single

2007-12-09T11:52:00.000-05:00

Before I go to bed, my mind often wanders to this blog thinking, "what on earth can I possibly blog about!?". I can't blog about work and my life just isn't that exciting. And with the internet being used to spy on people when they apply for jobs and such, I am beginning to think that maybe this blog isn't the best place for me to post some of my thoughts. But then again I think, why not?!

My most recent thoughts have been about the insincere comments people make to single people. I know most of them are well-meaning, but the truth is all single people cannot be lumped into one category and I believe the category that I belong in is very, very small and hard for people to identify with. I also think that most people cannot begin to comprehend the baggage that someone like me may have as a result of being single. Baggage from being single?! I know, how does that happen!?

Let me start with the most frequent comment I get which makes me the angriest. "I wish I could be you! I have so many regrets! Believe me, you'll be thankful for the lack of experience and the lack of hurt." Though there is truth to that statement, we who have never, ever dated have a different set of hurt to work through.

You see, most single people are not like me in the sense that they have been single their entire life. For me that is nearing 27 years. I have met people who have not had a boyfriend until they were 21 or 22. But I seldom meet people who, such as myself have at most had a one or two people express interest only to be unsure and then change their mind a month later. So we go from this awkward we're friends and we like each other to now for the rest of our lives we are just friends. So what that means for me is that I have experienced two forms of rejection and never any acceptance or security in attraction. The two forms of rejection are the outward, yeah I kinda like you more than a friend, but let's just stay friends; and the second being what I call the 'I've never caught anyone's' attention' rejection. I am not to sure which one is more painful. I think coming to the realization that in my whole life I have never been valued as a beautiful person is one of the most scarring things on my life.

As I am blogging about this, I want you the reader to understand a few things. I am being vulnerable. Perhaps too vulnerable for such a public forum, but I don't think millions of people are reading this blog. I also have good friends and family who do affirm who I am. I do have a relatively healthy self image. But being single and also trying to find myself into a relationship means I need to address some things that have caused me pain, and so for me this concept of beauty is one of them as well as the concept of dating/being in a relationship.

So back to being valued as a beautiful person. My mom always said I was beautiful and in the last six years I have been blessed with some amazing strong women who encourage me and speak truth to me. This summer I was able to grow in some of my ideas of beauty and be able to see myself as pretty, even beautiful on some days. That is a huge step for me. I still joke about my brains over my beauty and that at least I have a personality because for me it will take a long time for me to accept myself in this area. And a part of this acceptance means coming to terms with the reasons that it is going to take a long time.

One of the reasons is that I was never affirmed by any males in my life for anything other than my intellect or practical skills I could provide (i.e. cleaning). Men scare me, but that is a post for another day. Nor did any women other than my mom affirm my appearance. That was something I was always criticized for. It is why I am so nervous about it now and fuss about it, and yet try so hard not to care. But I also allowed this not being visually appealing business to hide who I am. If I am not worth being looked at, then it covers me and I can just blend in with my surroundings and not draw any attention to myself. I thought that was a good thing. Now I am not to sure.

To be honest, there is a lot I am unsure about and it is why I am trying to sort through a lot of it. I am trying to understand why no one finds me appealing enough to date and to be okay with that. Maybe I shouldn't be interpreting my singleness as a rejection, but it stems out of this never being in relationship concept that I am trying to understand. You can only blame outside forces for so long until you turn the focus inward. I know a part of me being single was me just not interested in dating mostly in high school. But I know there is a part of me that longs to be loved, and not just liked or appreciated but securely loved.

Maybe I am just not meeting the right people. I don't even know where to begin to do that. I have a lot of friends, many circles of friends and am constantly finding new things to get involved in. I am not to sure what else I can do to find someone. But it just reminds me that it is yet me again, I am not enough. I have no solutions. Most people tell me to embrace my single, miss independent lifestyle and to a strong degree I have, so be careful when you say that to me or someone like me. We are girls living quite independently, and we love it. But there is a part of us or at least me who desires a bit more. But I have a lot of hurt to work through and I want people to know that singleness brings its own hurts and that it is not all fun and games and living as you please. The unspoken issues and labels it brings are often more painful than most people are willing to admit. So don't tell me I am lucky and have no regrets. I do, but mine are completely different and foreign to those of you who have dated. Maybe you should try not going on date for 26 years and have every guy you have been interested in you tell you that "we're just friends"(if you even get THAT far). Tell me then what kind of regrets you have and what kind of baggage you carry.

Oh deer?

2007-11-04T13:51:00.000-05:00

I feel that this blog has become more of a brief update of my adventures, which in truth have been lacking. I remember when I used to love blogging and I still do, I just don't particularly feel able to freely share a lot of my thoughts about life. Hopefully that will change.

Anyways, I just remembered two stories from the last few weeks that are shareable and somewhat funny, and well like the rest of my life, random.

The first one takes place in a grocery store in Dundas. I was cashing out and I see this woman walk towards me with the biggest grin on her face and just smiling at me. It was kinda creepy. She apporaches me and says, "I'm sorry, you just look so much like a Rimay". I reply with, "well I am a Rimay". It was then slightly awkward and then the woman realized that she should maybe explain herself. Turns out that she used to work with my mom back in the day. I am not to sure how I feel about being recognized by my 'Rimayness".

The second story is a work story. I have two jobs, and this story takes place at my morning job at the greenhouse, also in Dundas. We take our breaks outside and on this particular break as we were just sitting, shooting the breeze, we heard a cloppity, clop and then between the vehicles a large light brown blurr with a white tail. I definetly thought to myself that was larger than a dog. So I stood up and ran to the road in time to see this deer prancing across the road and then off into the brush. It was just leaping back and forth across the road and then it was gone. It was so random! I am not to sure why it was prancing of from who, but it sure made the morning a little more interesting!!

And because I do like pictures, I thought I would take this opportunity to introduce you all to my housemate. We's gots to be tough living in the Hammer.

Annnddddd, I also got to go and see Across the Universe. Incredible. Brilliant. Amazing. Artsy. Wonderful. Beautiful. Go and see it and if you want, I will come and see it with you.

the life of a non student

2007-10-14T21:08:00.000-04:00

I like not being a student right now. I work Monday to Friday and have my evenings and weekends free. I have no work prep and no school work. So I get to do whatever it is I want. And that feeling is nice. I have some plans on what I want to do, but for now, my time is being spent unpacking and settling in and doing a lot of reading.

I have a lot of books to read and many things I want to learn about. I was reading You Shall Know Our Velocity by Dave Eggers, which I am actually having a rather difficult time really getting into. I did right at the start but then it waned. My friend Patricia lent me her book Infidel by Ayaan Hirsi Ali. It is a rather intriguing read.

As I have been reading I have been learning many things, but tonight as I read while I did laundry, one thing struck me. I just read the part where the author talks about her time in Saudi Arabia. It was the part about the Saudi's attitudes towards the Jews that got me thinking.

"In Saudi Arabia, everything bad was the fault of the Jews. When the air conditioner broke or suddenly the tap stopped running, the Saudi women next door used to say that the Jews did it. ...Jews were dijinns, I decided. I had never met a Jew, (Neither had these Saudis.)". (Ayann Hirsi Ali, Infidel. pg. 47)

For me it was a strange, not completely strange thought that such a form of racism exists. I tend to forget that every culture has another cultural group that they feel superior towards. In my childhood, whenever I heard about racism it was always in the context of whites and blacks. But I was raised with prejudices; the Italians and Dutch are groups for sure I learned how to tease. Though teasing Italians was a risky business in my school. But I grew to disdain the Italians I knew because of how they treated us non-Italians. Lucky for me I was still of Eastern European dissent that I could pass as Italian!! The blessing of being me, I can fit in any group!!
These were things I mostly learned from my father who was from Europe and so still had a lot of prejudice in himself that he was raised with. Speaking of my father, he is the reason I disdain Croatians and refuse to marry one. See, prejudice in my own life!

Back to the Saudis. I guess it just struck me because I believe that Westerners are targetting Middle Easterners and there are definetly cultural walls being built and a lot of racism going on within these groups. So for one group to feel like they are victims, and then turn around and have their own group which they victimize seemed strange. I guess some of my idealist notions of the world haven't changed. I don't know why, but sometimes I think that people will treat others better in the areas of their life that they have been true victims of.

It's not that I think that all Saudi's hate Jews. I know that is not true. It was just that I was surprised that there would even be a disdain for another culture. I don't know why, but I was surprised. It surprised me when I worked with my ghetto kids and to see them tease each other from which part of the Islands they were from (Jamacians and Trinidadians as an example).

I know that racism is a big problem. I guess that I just thought it was so big, it wasn't so evident in small ways.

an update and thoughts on voting

2007-10-02T13:46:00.000-04:00

Life has been busy and there have been many changes. I started 2 jobs about a week ago now. And this week I am moving!! That is why my posting has been lacking of late. But the month of September has been really good. Dan and Sarah's wedding was a beautiful day. My camping trip was yet again a wonderful time away in a beautiful part of the country with some of my favourite people! And this past weekend I cooked for the bcf retreat and I actually had a fantastic weekend. Even though I spent most, if not all of it, in the kitchen it felt good to serve people, make good food, see friends, worship God and just have a great time.

Some other thoughts....
Lately I have had quite a few people tell me that they are not voting. This frustrates me because I think voting is really important. But I am having a hard time convincing people that it is important. I don't understand why people do not want to be part of the process. We have so convinced ourselves that we need to be 'educated' voters that we now realise that we cannot fully be that, and so we opt out of having our voice heard. I do believe it is important to know issues and to know what parties stand for but it is never going to be enough. Even the people you are voting far are not going to have all the answers, so people, take a stand and just get involved with process.

I have really have enjoyed the campaign of let your voice be heard. The commercials are funny and the posters are well done and I think that it is important for people to know that if we all took politics a little more seriously and actually used our voices we could make a difference but the voter turn out is so small that what canadians are saying saying is that they don't care, so just run the country however you want while I complain about it and do nothing. For sure voting is not the be all and end all of having our voices heard and doesn't show the government a ton either, but it is a step.

up and coming

2007-09-11T16:07:00.000-04:00

There has been a lot on my mind, and I would like to share some of those things. The thing is that there are a lot and so I am going to try and write all the topics here so everyone can see what's going to be happening. This way I can also remember what I want to blog about on those days when I seem to have nothing to talk about.

1. thoughts about displacement
2. where I am with God right now
3. divorce
4. singleness & dating
5. thoughts on beauty

I think that's about it. There are exciting things going on in my life. Dan's wedding is this weekend. The next weekend is our annual camping trip. This year's destination is Algonquin Park. Then I think I am cooking for the BCF retreat the following weekend. So I will have stories to share from that as well. But at least now we all have something to look forward to and you can get your comments all ready to go!!

holla

2007-09-10T10:10:00.000-04:00

Hello Everyone, I am back.

So I had an insanely busy summer. It was good but I am glad it is over. But I love camp and all my stories and adventures. Good times and good memories for sure.

After camp I took a week off and went to Ottawa with Tracy. Fun times. We did a lot of driving and museums. We also went to Montreal-nice to visit, wouldn't want to live there. Hopefully later this week I will have pics to post.

So here's the plan. Right now I am going to be living with my mom in Hamilton while I find a job. Then I will find an apartment and live and work in hamilton for the year. Then in the fall I will go and get my masters.

I do have lots to blog about, but I need to get my mind organized because there is so much to share! Lots of thinking and lots of things going on in my life right now. But I am here and it's not raining outside today.

Mothman Prophecies

2007-08-03T21:47:00.000-04:00

Camp life is insanely busy and any free time I have is spent either working, sleeping or do a few social things just to stay in touch with people. Anyways, I know it's been awhile since I have blogged and so I thought I would share my adventure of last night. This is one of those things, that indeed only happens to me.

I decided that I would hang out in girls hill. When I get there one of my friends askes me if I would mind hooking her up with some food. I'm a nice person, so sure, I go back all the way to barn grab some food and head back to the girls area. I arrive at their cabin just as her co-counselor is getting the kids to lie down. So I sneak by and enter the counselor cubicle with the food. I hand the food over, put my sweater on the ledge of the top bunk and lean my head against the board.

Well doesn't a moth decide that the only point of escape is into my ear. And by ear, I mean ear tube. So I start painicking; saying this like " Ahhhh, there's a bug in my ear!!! There's a bug in my ear!!! I need a Q-tip! Get me a Q-tip! I am not panicking!! I am not panicking!! Get me a Q-tip!!!!" While I am hopping on one leg with my head tilted trying to encourage the bug to fly out.

Tell me why when I stopped hopping, the moth would start flapping its wings. INSIDE MY EAR. Grossest thing I have ever experienced.

After it came out, but one of the girls I was with was so scared that she started to cry!! I radioed the nurse and I could hear them all laughing at me after I told them my story. Foolishness.

Anyways, that's my life at camp. Run around all day with kids, which is pretty sweet. We have some fun ones this week. I had an amazing time on outtrip and a lot of laughs! But then there are always moments like this when a moth flies in your ear. Crazy.

slowly going crazy

2007-07-18T23:16:00.000-04:00

Camp is insanely busy. Last week the pool was down for 3 of the 5 days. Brutal. Though we did come up with some very creative water games, it was not worth missing my rest hour. There were other reasons why the week was crazy, but I cannot blog about them. This week is calmer...relatively. I feel lazy because I am not running around going from one thing to the next...and I am even able to sit through most of a meal this week! But even as I was typing this I had to save and log out to help the nurse find her walkie. This week I am also sick! yay!

But seriously, our theme days are kicking butt and it has been a lot of fun. Today I laughed so hard at both breakfast and lunch. Program team is hilarious. I couldn't stop laughing when I had to speak into the mic to call cabins up for seconds. It was a good day, even with the rain.

This weekend is a wedding in Peterbourgh region and then a visit to St. Catharines.

Let's Git'r'dun!

this is just a bit random, just a bit.

2007-06-26T23:25:00.001-04:00

I have done a lot since the last time I posted, which conviently I have forgotten when that was.

I have been working at camp and am looking forward for a very long weekend of rest before camp REALLY starts.

I've hung out with Tracy, which included sleeping through the illusionist.

I spent the majority of my $100 gift certificate to Chapters already. Summer reads include...
SlaughterHouse Five by Kurt Vonnegut
You Shall Know Our Velocity! by Dave Eggers
What is the What -also by Dave Eggers

All three authors introduced to me by the darling Heather Ann. And since it was a gift certificate I figured I could spend it on books I would normally feel very guilty for buying, like What is the What which was $32.50. But I thought since this was a gift, I deserved it. But boy, it is REAL easy to spend $100 on books these days!

I also read the 6th Harry Potter book all in one weekend-which was a very busy weekend. So don't think all I did was read, because I didn't. The weekend included getting home from work around 8pm on Friday night and then going to see Oceans 13 (very funny); getting an oil change for my car, visiting grandma, taking nathan to camp, driving amaris to brantford, shopping, hanging out with Tracy, visiting my old church that I attended from ages 6-17, and watching my mom's baseball game. That in a nutshell was my weekend, plus finding time to read. My response to book 6 is, why? just why.

Today I went to Chuckie Cheese. I got a tattoo of spider man. I am very cool now.

My Chuckie Cheese experience has lead me to questions about publicly beating the system. One family was very overtly "cheating" at a game. Hrmmm.

Another thought has been brought on by some discussions at camp. It's mainly me asking why we feel the need to genderize things, oh let's say, letters of the alphabet, for example. So thinking about the role of genders and the value of one's sexuality to God -which doesn't sound as complicated as my brain has made it...just trying to wrap my head around God's view about sex...its more complicated than I am letting on, but I am not that comfortable talking about it here. But Hannie, you should give me props for even writting that much.

okay bye.

My morning break

2007-06-13T10:29:00.000-04:00

I get to take a break this morning! Yay! Well actually every morning and afternoon we get a 15min break but sometimes I just don't take mine. But today I am. So for those of you who actually read my blog, here is a quick little update.

This is week two at camp. There are more people and it is a lot of fun. I have been swimming lengths everyday in hopes to not only become healthier, but to also shed those winter pounds and the last 3 previous winters poundage that has grown on my body. I have also been running here and it has been good.

We had a first aid course and I passed! YAY! This is about my 3rd time taking such a course and I think now I feel confident enough to deal with a situation. Though I'd really rather not. I also like the changes to the CPR; much easier to remember.

Emily and I rented the movie Shooting Dogs. It was very powerful. I really just loved how they incorporated those who actually survived the genocide in the film. If you have a chance, WATCH IT!!

My brother had his stag and doe and it was a blast. I was really worried at first, but it was sooo great to get caught up with friends from high school-people I haven't seen in years! Good music, good people, good food, just a great night in general.

Here's us Rimay's being crazy!

it's the most wonderful time of the year

2007-06-04T09:42:00.000-04:00

That's right folks, camp is beginning for me. In fact I am at camp and have been for a just a little under 12 hours! This year I get to start a whole month earlier which means a total of 3 months at camp! YAY!!! This also means that my blogging will become even less consistent then it already is. Have a good summer!!!

The Baptist God

2007-05-31T09:18:00.000-04:00

You know, I started this post this morning and then left it for awhile and here I am now almost dinner time and I still can't full articulate my thoughts, but here I go anyways.

I love my church family. Last night I went to a BBQ that was held for my small group. I am the youngest one there but I had such a great time. I think one of the things that my church has taught me in the four years I have been attending is how to talk to grown ups. I used to be terrified of older people and was still quite nervous when I started attending. But now I am much more relaxed and can handle myself in conversations with adults! I am still nervous when I talk to adults I do not know, but I have come a long way.

One of the things that happened last night was just a spontaneous prayer time for me. It was nice and I appreciated it. It was simple with heartfelt sentence prayers. The genuine love this group of people have is rather remarkable.

This all being said, what does this all have to do with God being Baptist? Well this year I have been thinking about denominations and why I chose not to associate myself along certain lines. I will be honest, I do not have all the knowledge I like about certain denominations, but what I do know and have seen leaves me not with the prescene or spirit of God but frustration, doubt and sometimes even anger.

I was given a book in which the author depicts a worship service where he was at and his anger and disgust when others were not worshipping because they had their hands in their pockets and they were talking. I can understand the talking bit, but I am continually frustrated when people assume I am not worshipping God because I am not crying or because my hands are not flying in the air or because I do not speak in tongues.

There have been times at my little baptist (convention baptist, not southern baptist or any others like fellowship and independent) when God has been alive and well at the service. There was no pre-service prayer, there was no dancing with flags, there was no official annoiting of the holy spirit, there was no call to fan into flame the gifts of the spirit nor any overtly "powerful" preaching. What there was at these services was horrible, off-tune, heartfelt singing, there were people with earnest hearts and earnest prayers and genuine love. I know that God is big enough to come to my little church when I submit my heart in reverence and I do not need these 'manifestations' to convince me otherwise.

I am not ranting to say my way of worship is superior, I just want it to be legitimate. If I can experience God through liturgy and tradition then I want that to be okay with those who need bells and whistles. I had someone say to me that they wanted everyone to experience God as they had and I know for myself, I was extremely thankful that I hadn't, because I would not have seen God in that experience. I am not 100% on my theology and to be honest a lot of that is shifting and changing. I cling to most of the basics, and I love seeing people wanting more of God, I love that feeling too and wish I could have it more often. I probably just connect to God on a different level, but I want that to be recognized as legit, just as I recognize others encounters. Maybe I have just had too many people lately flaunt their theological views as the correct view and so I am standing up and saying, fine, do it your way. But let me do it mine then too.

In no way does my church have it right, there are Sundays when I am bored out of my skull, when I feel the tension of my own spirit in conflict with God's Spirit, and when I feel detached and maybe on those days a lively worship band would help. But the days I know God is worshipping at my church are the days when I notice and appreciate the small and good things like an out of key choir who in their sincereity believe that they truly are making a joyful noise unto the Lord.

incredible

2007-05-27T01:33:00.000-04:00

I just saw Pirates 3. It was incredible. I loved it. It had me guessing, the fight scenes were amazing. And everyone acted like an incredible pirate, as if it were truly in their blood. It was sooo good.

I even dressed as a pirate, too bad I didn't have a sword to use when one guy said he'd like to get a piece of me. Some people are so rude! Hopefully I will have pictures to post soon!!!

it's like lying on a couch

2007-05-26T01:02:00.000-04:00

I wasn't going to blog tonight/today, but I needed an outlet for my frustration and since I no longer have housemates in the physical prescence, I turn to blogging.

I think I have spent a total of 6 nights at home in the last two weeks and my patience is gone. We are living in TIGHT quarters. I jokingly say we are living as immigrants, but really it's no joke. 2 bedrooms, 5 bodies, you do the math. So it's crowded and everyone wants their space. Sleeping arrangements are awful leaving me with little sleep and lots of back pain.

Tonight, I went out with my mom, bro and 1 sis. We went to the FRWY (Tracy, it's awesome and I love their frosty coffees! mmmm! I am excited to go again!) We had fun, listened to a decent band. But apparently throughout our time together (which was not all spent at the FRWY), my sister and I maliciously teased my mom about her memory loss. I didn't think we were that mean, just more pointed about the side effects of how we are always get the short stick of it. So tonight (just now before I started this post), we had a little chat. Now I love my mom, but since she's gained this new indpendence sometimes the way she asserts herself is, I don'really know how to say it, especially without sounding like a jerk, but it doesn't leave any room for thought provoking discussion on behaviour. It's 'lay off cause I'm mom and I work hard'. 'I know, but that's what you always say was my response, we need solutions so we don't continue to act out of our hurt here. Yes it was unfair of Em and I to harass you, but we are you children and if you want to keep having an important part of our lives and be a strong dominate relationship you need to do your part, we can't always be reminding you of everything. I am just frustrated, really I do love my mom and think she is great and she does a lot. But the cramped quarters does not leave much room for healthy down time (yay for blogging!)

Hopefully we will find a 3 bedroom place that is affordable. And camp starts in t-minus 9 sleeps!!

PS: Nata, I would love a poem with swears. I also did that quiz and here are my results....

Evangelical Holiness/Wesleyan

86%

Emergent/Postmodern

68%

Reformed Evangelical

64%

Neo orthodox

61%

Roman Catholic

57%

Modern Liberal

50%

Classical Liberal

50%

Fundamentalist

36%

Charismatic/Pentecostal

29%

What's your theological worldview?
created with QuizFarm.com

I don't understand how I ended up with a high score in Wesleyan. I don't even really know what Wesleyans are! I just know you are one ;)!

hi everyone! hi!

2007-05-22T23:53:00.000-04:00

I've been trying to blog for a few days now. But I can't seem to articulate what I want to talk about. I have been listening a lot to CBC radio and watching The Hour more regularly and it has been good for my little noggin' do some more thinking and I wish to share that with all of you!

Today I saw Shrek 3 and thought it was brilliant! Well done Dreamworks and cohorts. Very funny. I like films that can stand on their own and do not need the prequels to help them, unlike some other movies that I know. But those other movies (read POC: 2) are still well loved by me and I am truly looking forward to seeing the 3rd this weekend, I really hope to. I hope that I have some people to not only go with, but to also go dressed as a pirate. I think on Thursday I will dress as a pirate anyways, heck I'll be in TO anyways!!

This weekend I am also looking forward to the St. Catharines Folk Arts festival, always one of my favourite ways to spend time here. I am really going to miss alot about this town (though it really is a city). Bec and I really wanted to have some fun tonight without spending hordes of money, and so we ended up kidnapping some of the girls here, one is just subletting and the other is moving in for the year. We drove across town and went to the Port Weller beach. We had a 'midnightish' picnic, with glow sticks (we didn't eat them) and 2 bite brownies ( we did eat those) and it was a grand time. I will miss my friends and adventures here, but am looking forward to my new adventures and friends I will make!

the lunch box

2007-05-16T21:29:00.000-04:00

Moving home has it's perks. Last night my mom insisted on making my lunch. I told her I was quite competent to make it myself. But she kept insisting saying that its one of the few things she can do that still makes her feel like a mother, since we are all so independent. I tried to tell her as we grow our needs and wants of a mother figure. I might not need her or want her to make my lunch, but I want her to give advice to me and be a support and still provide for some of my needs. My mom is silly, she even went so far as to say that if she died we wouldn't really flinch! See, she's silly. However, she did put mayo and mustard on my sandwich...which reminded me of why I started making my own lunches in the first place. As I was eating it today, I wondered if my performance in school was affected due to the my queasy stomach after lunch due to that gross combination!

moved

2007-05-14T15:25:00.000-04:00

On Saturday I rented my very own 10x10 storage unit to be shared by my sister. And on that day we moved a good chunk of my belongings into storage. Now I am trying to figure out what else needs to go into storage, what goes to camp, what goes to mom's and what can go to a new home. It's kind of stressful. I thought I had gotten rid of a lot of things, but it doesn't feel like I made a dent into my belongings. I don't want to own a lot but I do. I suppose most are simple things and things with meaning and things with practical uses, but it is still all STUFF. I am also trying to make the least amount of trips to and from St. Catharines. I will be in and out of town for the next 3 weeks, but I don't want to have to keep taking a WHOLE car load of stuff back each time with me. But I might have to. Then I start thinking just what on earth am I going to do if I move out of the province in September!? That will be an expensive move!!

I am really trying to be intentional with my belongings. I want to make them last and be put to good use. I don't want to own things for the sake of owning them, but I also do not want to be a pack rat.

Truthfully, I am somewhat just insecure about my belongings. I get teased a lot about having soo much stuff, but I never see it as any different from what others have. Everything that is mine is just that, mine. I have no bedroom at one of my parents set up with trophies from softball and stuffed animals on a princessy comforter. Most of my childhood things now belong to someone else or are in storage at my mom's apt or my grandma's house. But it's not a ton of stuff either. Just some toys that were all of us kids, and when there are 5 of you, there are a lot of toys. My whole life was moved to St. Caths last Christmas. That is if I wanted it. I had to decided when we sold the martimonial home what I was going to keep and what I was going to get rid of. This year when I was packing up, I did the same thing and got rid of a lot that came from that move. And here in my final packing moments I am still torn as to what to keep and what to get rid of. I have to keep asking myself what is important, what is replaceable, what's not. But the answers are not that simple and even more difficult is then finding the places to put my belongings.

changes

2007-05-07T22:18:00.000-04:00

A lot has been going on and I have been rather busy. My room is mostly packed and when I am not packing I am trying to do some "last things" with people I may not see for a long time. I hope that it is not the case, but I want to leave with some good final memories and photos!

I am the only original resident of 2 Wakil around these days. Beca should be back at the end of the week, but everyone has left for the summer except for Victoria who has left for good. I am leaving for good (sort of) at the end of this week.

So for 2 weeks I have to get used to other people's habits and idiosyncracies as they have to get used to mine and as soon as we get accustomed, I will be gone!

I think the thing that has bothered me the most is that I am all of a sudden living with people who lock their doors. We never locked our doors here! There was the odd occasion, but really the doors were always opened whether people were home or not. I want my housemates back; now please.

Anyways, here is one of my favourite pictures of one of my last times. It's me and Victoria in Port. I am going to miss port so much!! It was a great place to read walk, time and talk. I know I will find other places of reflection and solitude, but this one will be missed. The other photo is from dinner with Patricia and Allison. I will miss these girls and our fun times together, though, we will keep it up! Especially with Patricia...we survived when she went to Holland and El Salvador, we will survive no matter where we go!

Introduing Mr. Andrew Jones

2007-05-04T11:21:00.000-04:00

Dear Friends,
We have a new friend in the blogging world. My friend Andrew has gotten a blog to keep us all up-to-date about his travelling adventures. Andrew and I have a date in 2010 to travel to South Africa, where we will drink lots of coffee, play settlers of catan, travel, take pictures, and become even more passionate about our world and the injustice it faces.

Read his blog if you desire to be entertained, because he's pretty darn funny!

Indulging in sacrilege

2007-04-29T12:00:00.000-04:00

Eleanor sent me a link to these and I laughed so hard, I thought I just had to share.I hope you laugh as much as I did.

some new loves

2007-04-25T21:12:00.000-04:00

The last few weeks I have discovered two things and they are quickly becoming a passion in my life.

1. I was strongly encouraged to give Battlestar Galactica a try. So I started to watch it. And I absolutely love it. I have always had a soft spot for science fiction, watching Star Trek: Next Generation after dinner when I was a kid. And this is science fiction at its finest. It makes me want to start watch SG-1 again! But what I really love about this series is how it questions life assumptions. It is what I loved about Lost. The idea that humanity has to start over in some sense, but at the same time has its preconceived notions of what life was like before all was lost. In Battlestar Galactica there are questions about what make humans human and what it means to live under government. There are questions about the role of religion and God. It makes me think and that is what I love about it. Plus the their theme is incredibly beautiful, as well as the music they choose.

2. Trail running. Now to be honest, I've only gone once and my endurance is LOW. But the one day that I went, I felt so alive! It was like I was one with the woods, my whole being was just running and it felt so in tune with all that was around me. I just felt real and alive after running full force through a good chunk of the woods. It was like hiking with a pack on except different in terms of being alive. Now, all I have to do is make time for it and build my endurance.

I love photosynthesis

2007-04-21T16:08:00.000-04:00

As I take walks outside and look at the grass turning grass. And I say to myself, "what a wonferful world". And I also say, "I love photosynthesis!" I am so excited for spring ans more importantly, SUMMER!

hell of a day

2007-04-16T17:11:00.000-04:00

So today has been quite the day. And not an overly happy one.

1. sad because housemates leaving
2. attacked by the 7 year old I work with. Honestly, I don't think I can parent! He was horrible and I couldn't get him to do ANY of his lessons.
3. While dealing with horrid child, I found out that one of my heros died. I didn't know much about June Callwood, but she spoke at my convocation last spring and was incredible and changed the way I thought about stuff and challenged me. Now more than ever I need to get in on what she started.
4. I don't even know what to say to this.

And its raining.

Maybe I will articulate at a later date a little bit about these crummy things, but for now there is not much to say.

end of an era

2007-04-16T10:23:00.000-04:00

To start, I just want to say there are a lot of photos. Yay!

Claire goes home today for the summer. Normally such events are not that emotional or dramatic. And for 3 of my housemates, it's not. But for me, today will be a day of lasts. And then in a few weeks it will happen again with Victoria. And then I will be the one who is gone. The end of university has already come for me, but the end of life like as a university student will most definetly be over soon. Until I go for my masters of course! But it will be different then.

I've lived at 2 Wakil for 2 years now and what 2 incredible years they have been. Most people would say there have been ups and downs, but really there haven't been that many downs. I have gotten 5, well actually 6 more sisters (cause I am going to count you Tracy!) in my life and it will be hard to leave. The other day when packing I found a journal from my trip to Florida with my Venture class from Tyndale. And I laughed at myself with the comments I made because I have changed so much, but yet haven't changed at all! But I think it has been the humility, love and patience that these girls have had for me that has soften me a little and taken down some of my walls. And for that I am thankful.

As much as I am excited for the future, where I am going to live and work come September. I am sad that I won't have such solid, amazing people where I go. I am sure I will find such people but it will take time. It took time here to build relationships which what makes leaving sad. I am finally feeling like I am getting to know people and now I am going. And it will never be the same. I think it is that little bit there that has makes me the saddest. I am sure I will keep in touch, have great conversations and get to see people grow and change, but it will never be the same or in the same way. We will slwoly become outsiders to each others lives unless we work hard at being on the inner part. But I know for myself that it is a lot of work and I do not always do my share of work in relationships. And so an end of era has come.

Here are some of my favourite 2 Wakil moments in picture.

Yesterday we did our final birthday kidnapping and house event. Victoria's birthday is at the end of the month, and so yesterday we took her to Niagara-on-the-lake and let her choose where to go. We ended up at the Shaw Cafe for tea and dessert. It was very yummy!
Here are some of my favourite shots from yesterday.

old and new

2007-04-11T22:43:00.000-04:00

Here's something new before I get into my retelling of the weekend. Tracy's moved her blog to here.

I had a great Easter weekend! As per usual, I spent Good Friday in St. Catharines and will try to as long as I live in a decent traveling radius of the city and/or can afford to travel back. I did the church breakfast, and downtown walk. It was a really good walk, even though it was FREEZING. But the speaker was talking about something that I have been working out in my own life since February; that whole concept of falling asleep on Jesus like his disciples did in the garden. I have been recognizing where I have been doing that in my own life and been trying to fight against it, though that is very hard and sometimes it's just easier to "fall asleep". So more to think about! Even though at this moment I can't exactly remember what the speaker said! Typical.

Normally for Good Friday, we go for a walk in the Niagara Gorge. But this year because of the wet snow and very cold weather we wimped out and just hang out. We started at my place and played a lot of Dutch Blitz! It was soo good to see some people that I haven't really seen all year. I have missed my youth, and so it was good to see some of them again!

We then went from my place to the Vanderwaters for more fun and games and of course, dinner. There was lots of laughter and good times. I even learned how to play guitar hero!!! And am now addicted!

(guitar hero fun!)

On Saturday I made the 3 hour trek to Bothwell, Ontario. I first made a stop in Hamilton to have coffee with some of my friends from highschool. Yay for facebook.

So where is Bothwell and what the heck is there!? Well, Bothwell is about halfway between London and Chatham, sort of. And Eleanors family lives there. And so I spent Satuday to Monday eating waaaayyy to much good food, watching sci-fi movies (the day after tomorrow & fifth element can now be added to my 'have seen' list), playing hand & foot (canasta), relearning RISK, playing scrabble, reading, sleeping, and doing some more eating. It was good to just get away to a place where I could act like I was at home without any of the politics of home and resposnibility. I had the typical good guest responsibility stuff, but that's pretty easy! And the Filyers made it very easy to be a good at home guest. I think my favourite part was that there was always a pot of tea on! We also made Easter cookies! Well, decorated pre made ones. YUM!

Monday, I left Bothwell and drove back to the Hamilton area where I met up with some friends to drive to Toronto for the Jays home opener. It was a good game. I enjoyed myself, though I did not enjoy a lot of my friends heckling of the players. Though there were some good lines. But I really could have saved the money and time, and drank more tea and played more games in Bothwell. Oh well, live and learn.

That was pretty much my weekend. I drove back to Hamilton because I had to work in Toronto on Tuesday, so I stayed with my mom. That was fun. I had a good time at the school on Tuesday. I received a lot of compliments about my work with the kids, that was good to get. On my way home I stopped at Ikea and bought some things for storage. I now own a tickle trunk which holds costumes and party supplies and other decorate items, like things for Hallowe'en and Hawaiian parties.

That is my update. I think I might call it a night and end to bed and get some much needed sleep!

coming soon

2007-04-11T00:13:00.000-04:00

I actually do have lots to write about, but am busy this week. So as soon as I have a chance I will tell of my easter adventures avec le fotos.

But here is the answer to a question that I have been getting almost on a daily basis.

I HAVE NO IDEA. SO LEAVE ME ALONE.

Satisified?!

The question is where and when am I moving. And that is the answer. I have no idea where. The when is a littler more easier, it will be after camp is done. So Septemberish.

Though, I have been contemplating moving home for the month of May to save some much needed cash. So maybe back to the Hammer for a wee bit.

toronto days

2007-04-02T02:21:00.000-04:00

The last few days have been surprisingly fun! Most of them have been spent in Toronto and I have felt like I have had some 'real' Torontoian fun.

On Friday, I took my lunch hour (which became lunch hour and a half) and brought some yummy Chinese food right from Kesington market to one very sick Heather Ann. It was too bad that I had to go back to work, because I was really just starting to enjoy myself when responsibility kicked in!

But work is not too be looked down upon, because my job is pretty cool. Since we had yet ANOTHER P.A. Day and clubs had to be cancelled from their usual format, we took our 6/7 club to the ROM. It's been about 7 years since I have been, but it is still a museum! Seriously though, I do love museums and wished we had more than an hour to navigate through. I will have to go back-without small children whining of hunger and making fun of things I am thoroughly fascinated with. I spent most of my time trying to get one girl to stay in her assigned group (which was mine), but we ended up 'losing' her. The rest was then trying to engage the kids in the artifacts. This leads me to feel like a giant nerd/know-it-all because I do tend to have a lot of general knowledge and I share it when asked. Apparently the display on First Peoples was my favourite, because I even dreamt about it that night. Oddly enough, I did not have any dreams about the gross bugs!

After work I met up with a friend at the ACC and I went to my first ever lacrosse game for the Toronto Rock. It was a lot of fun! Though I still do not have a full understanding of how the game is played, but I did enjoy the fighting.

I spent Saturday morning trying to put my bible lesson for the youth reunion together, and made some head way so I didn't feel guilty going with the girls I was staying with to the One of a Kind show at the Ex. Pretty neat stuff! But it usually just reminds me of just how poor and unoriginal I am. But one day that might change! I ended up buying a candle holder made out of soap stone and a pottery egg holder-the ones for hard boiled eggs. I was tiring of my shot glass.

After that Tricia and I headed up to the youth reunion. But before we left the Ex, I saw my neighbours from across the street here in St. Caths. RANDOM!

The youth reunion went surprisingly well. We have been having trouble with counsellors not coming and a general lack of interest from the kids this year, which has never before been a problem. But I liked the small number and had a lot of laughs. I finished my bible lesson and was super nervous about it, but God manage to work everything out, which is soo good because I just felt so inadequate about it, but not because of my skills but because of my lack of faith and just being a 'bad' Christian these last few months. I know that no matter how 'bad' I am, God still loves me. But that sometimes becomes less of a motivation to do good. I know I shouldn't sin and try to be a good Christian, but that desire to be good is almost good from in me. I want to do good and do, but being good is something completley different. More of that topic to come later perhaps.

And that was pretty much my weekend. I have a busy weekend coming up with it being the Easter weekend and all. So I will have more to post on next week. But for now, I am going to spend some time reading and continue the packing.

a day observed

2007-03-28T23:37:00.000-04:00

Since Heather Ann and I have started this blog, we took an opportunity about this time of year every March, to pay homage to the boys we hold so dearly to our hearts.

However, I must admit I have delayed this annual event with some hesitation. I do so because almost every time I check my tracker it is because of one of these two boys. It just becomes boring really to see the same serach engine query over and over and over again. I love the days when the tracker shows something new and differnt like die raccons or alleluia& harper compared to norman, reedus, or prada for example. But I digress.

It will remain, especially after today's post, that Norman Reedus is the number one search engine query that leads people to this site. So Mr. Reedus and Mr. Flannery, I thank you. Without either one of you, we wouldn't have the Boondock Saints hence the title of the blog, nor incredibly saucy pictures to admire and post for quite literally, the world to see.

I am a horrible person

2007-03-18T18:56:00.000-04:00

I am a horrible person because it has been over a week since I have blogged AND I had some cool things to blog about! Mainly that my wonderful friend Patricia took me out for my birthday. She took me to a place where I have never been before and that was the butterfly conservatory. It was a lot of fun!!!

It really is a great place to go in the dead of winter. It is like walking into a tropic zone and having a breath of summer. I tried to take pictures, but they did not turn out so nicely. And my batteries died, and so I did not take a lot. Patricia took some great pictures, but they are not up yet on her space (cough, cough). She did a lot of other nice things like have me over for dinner, and bring me Tim Hortons and a BINGO ticket (which I lost, but now I think I am addicted!)

Other reasons why I am a horrible person includ my general apathy for pretty much everything. I haven't blogged because I haven't cared. I didn't do much for St. Patty's because I was tired and slept most of the night and by the time I had energy, there was a) no one to go out with and b) rather late.

And I think I am a horrible person because my dad keeps sending these very silly emails about our family situation. They are not haha funny. But rather sad because of his pure ignorance and how he just twists scripture and dooms all his kids future marriages. I've asked him to stop with these emails and I try to rationalize with him, which is useless because rational and being irrational are opposites for a reason. But my horrible thought is that I really want to start posting his letters on the internet. If I have to deal with this nonsense, then seriously I want to profit from it because the money from the sale of out house (dec. 06) is still in trust and this man who is biologically my father does not want my mom to have a single penny of it and so he fires lawyer after lawyer or they fire him and our court case goes no where because this man is beyond rational sense. And I want people to truly understand with what us kids have been dealing with. The fact that we are somewhat normal is truly God's grace in our life.

BIRTHDAY!

2007-03-08T00:48:00.000-05:00

Wish me a HAPPY BIRTHDAY!

Birthday week this year has been pretty awesome! In a few weeks I will be having a birthday party. Getting old does not have to be boring!

generally annoyed

2007-03-05T23:00:00.000-05:00

The last two days I have been grumpy. No particular reason, but it's the small things that have just been pissing me off. I suppose yesterday I had good reason, as I hadn't eaten in 24 hours and only got 3 hours of sleep in the process. But today, I have no idea why I want to be very mean to some people. Part of it I think has to do with just being selfish and not getting my way, I think the rest as to do with sleep.

In happier news.

Funny story from the weekend. In bible lesson on Saturday I asked the question, "what did Jesus say about being first and last?" I will try my best to give the answer I got, but you really had to be there. Note the kid who answered is about 7 years old.
"Ummm, Jesus said that the last will be last and the first will be first and then Jesus said (with both hands waving), "mmmnnnneeeemmmmmnnneeeee". (it was an inaduible sort of mumbling noise). I laughed really hard, mainly because I got this picture of Jesus talking like that and someone trying to quote him. It would really make a great Family guy clip.

Also:
It is my birthday week. I want to do something fun, but am lacking in creativity and running out of time. This Saturday for me would be the best time to do something, but I fear I am leaving it too late. Also because of said grumpiness and sort of just getting OLD, I really am not feeling motivated to do anything for myself. I sort of want a by myself day, but I also want a day of fun, food and friends. Oh decisions, decisions!

Snow Day the Winter Way

2007-02-28T18:08:00.001-05:00

Remember that snow day a few weeks back? Well here is some video footage from our adventure! And don't worry, Sonia can still walk and use all her limbs!!

Take me driving in the car, car

2007-02-20T00:03:00.000-05:00

The title comes from a Fred Penner song who was one of my childhood heros and still remains to be so. I do a lot of driving in a day, and not just commuting driving. It's not like take 2 hours and crawl in traffic driving. It's the busy drive from here to there and back again driving. Today I drove to Welland, then home. Then I drove to the other side of the canel in the north end and then to the mall, then home, only to grab my gym clothes and a book to drive to the west end. I picked up one of the kids I work with and drove him to swimming lessons. I drove him home. Then I drove to the gym, then picked up Patricia, then home. Then I drove her home, and now I am finally at home. Most days are like that except for the part where I picked up Patricia, that was "extra". Some days it bugs me that I have to do so much driving. Especially the driving from one job to another. However, the driving does give me some time to think.

This mornings thoughts were based on my afternoon with my favorite St. Catharines family. It had been long time since I had hung out at their place and so we were catching up on our lives and talking about what I was mostly up to with my days. I had explained my "daily schedules" and was asked if I was satisfied with what I was doing. I think the short answer is NO. I am kind of in this 'hate my life' funk. I love my one job in Toronto, but trying to balance the 2 lives sometimes is HARD. Living off 3 jobs that only equals about 20 hours is also a challenge. I just feel like my life is missing something that I can't put my figure on. I am missing money, and sometimes food. But my time with God has definetly increased like x5 this year compared to the last 2. I am in leadership, I go to the gym and I have friends,and I have family. Granted some of those relationships are not functioning as they should, but they are there. I guess the only thing technically missing is a romantic interest/relationship, but I've never had one and for the last bit, I just haven't been looking or interested in looking. There is definitely like 1 guy on the outside of one of my friend circles that I would like to get to know, but I just haven't put guys on the forefront of my mind these days.

Sometimes I think the stress of trying to make ends meet does get to me. It tires me out and makes me withdraw into myself to just get the strength to be disappointed another day. Which sort of leads me to my afternoon driving thoughts. I most likely have joined the ranks of anti-optimisim today. The glass is half empty. In fact, it is empty so stop pretending there's even anything to drink (!), has sort of been my attitude of late. There are good things in my life and I have this hidden hope that things are going to get better, but sometimes its hard for me to know that and really believe that.

I have been re-thinking my views on God lately, and have just been realizing that I do not trust him as I once did. On one hand I trust blindly and plead with him to provide everything for me. Yet with the other hand, I fear that he will just take away something from me for some meaningless test or act of sacrifice, development of character. I cannot seem to get to a place where I can just be at peace with the way things go in my life. If God lets my car run today, he might not tomorrow. Or because I sinned, now he can smite me with cancer. I don't know where this somewhat childish notion is coming from (Satan! he's good for this sort of blame!!) , but I am getting frustrated with myself and my actions. I don't know why I can't let go and why I live in fear sometimes. Some might say its cause Daddy figure equals God, but I never had that notion when I was younger and always got really frustrated with the kids who did, because my dad was not God, probably why I liked God actually. And I can still make clear distinctions between the two, but sometimes I find myself placing attritbutes on God that are similar to how I was raised by my father and even mother too. I have just been finding myself scared of trusting God completely yet doubting his ability to come through for me; like my desires/needs aren't good enough and my sin cancels them out. Somewhere I think I am wrong to think that I am not worthy of all God's goodness and then I think, who am I kidding?

Lastly, while driving home at night I was thinking about the stars and the air and thinking itself, or at least my thought process or an aspect of it! On nights like tonight, when I find myself alone and the air is crisp and the stars are bright I get into my little melacholic/existential thoughts. All I want to do is lie on the ground (much more difficult in winter, perhaps stand then) and stare off into space (literally) and think about my life, every aspect of it and enjoy that bittersweet feeling you get when you do think about your life, all those contrasting thoughts that make life what it is. Those are the moments I live for and savour.

The last 24 hours +

2007-02-15T00:13:00.000-05:00

The last 24 hours have been busy, exciting, dangerously, lively, and tiring equalling one of the best valentines days I have had in a long time.

The events begin around last night around 8pm where I got to sit and watch some TV which included the Mercer Report and This hour has 22 minutes. It has been awhile since I have watched these shows, but boy do I wish I had more time to watch them. I guess I will include that before this I made dinner which was beer battered fish and french fries! Homemade!!! I made my own beer batter and it was pretty darn good! We used the extra to make onion rings. Oh the joys of having a deep fryer!

After the joys of television, there was more! Yay for House!! But during House, all I wanted was Sonia to cut 2 inches of hair off. Basically, all the dead stuff that was sort of under all my layers. I liked my long hair, I just wanted it to be healthy. Weeeelllllll....an hour later and 3 housemates later, the result is about 5 inches off, shorter layers and now a side part with the side bangs! I am getting used to it. Apparently it looks good, and I can agree sometimes. Other times it makes me self consciousness!

Volia, haircut!

While this was all happening, we were under a severe winter storm watch. They predicted 40cm, and that's about what we got. The snow just kept coming and coming and coming!!! When I was rudely woken up this morning by the phone at 6:50am, I couldn't go back to sleep and so had breakfast, read my book and enjoyed the beauty of the snow. Then I went back to bed. At 11:30am I woke up and went upstairs. Bec was already shovelling snow when the boys across the street came to join her.

Soon they came in for cookies and hot chocolate. Then Victoria and I decided to go and shovel our neigbours driveway, but we got distracted by finishing our back area first and by our across the street neighbours jumping and snowboarding off their roof! So we grabbed our crazy carpets and went and joined them! It was sooooooo much fun! In fact, it was incredible! Then we all came and had tea and watched all the crazy videos that we took!!!

(one of these pictures is me going off the roof on a saucer!!)

By that time it was somewhere between 3 and 4pm. So I had lunch.

I then got to tidying my room, organizing some things in which I had to use my 'old' desktop computer. My burner is not working so I am trying to send songs to myself to make cds of all my good music, and I was just reminded of how much good music is on my old computer and I cannot wait to make cd's! They are going to be so good! Or I will get an mp3 player or something; my birthday is soon.

Then this evening around 8pm, us single gals made a wonderful dinner and set the table using our fancy china and lit candles and had a Rotic dinner -that is a romantic dinner without the man!

So what a wonderful valentines day, death-defying events, good friends, good laughs, good food, GOOD TIMES!!!!!

(this is my saucy model shot, except that we didn't get the snowboard in like a good snowboard model would have. Also note my short, short hair).

Residue

2007-02-10T23:51:00.000-05:00

A few weeks ago I had the following conversation. We were talking about some people we had gotten to hang out with which resulted in us getting to know them a little more. (* this means I changed the person's name to protect their identity, even though they will more than likely never read this).

Person 1:"I like Rosanne*."
Me: "Yeah, she seems like a nice girl. But she's never talked to me in my four years here, so I just assumed that I wasn't cool enough for her, or that she thought I was a loser."
Person 1: "Why would you say that? She's pretty shy, you know."
Me: "Oh, I didn't know, but yeah, I dunno, whatev'."

Okay, so it's not the most profound conversation or even remotely entertaining, but I have been thinking a lot about why I have this underlying assumption of why the world hates me, or at least isn't interested in me. That part about the world is an exaggeration. I bring it up now, because it has come up in conversations recently and ties into my thoughts on my brokeness which I am also thinking a lot about.

Why would I say such outlandish things and make assumptions that people do not like me because I am not cool. Well, I suppose the basic answer to it is that I am insecure. But I was not entirely satisified with that answer because it is not 100% true. The answer I came up with has to do with the residue which is my past.

See, I have known myself for 25.11 years. I have all these memories, stories and events that have shaped my life. There are some people in my life who have been with me for a good chunk of those years, such as my parents, siblings and a handful of friends. These people have seen me at my worse and at my best. They too know me, but even though they know me well, they were not alway there. They saw me at home, church, outings and camp -the places I felt safest to be myself; to be confident and free.

As much as these people saw me, they did not always experience life with me. And as some times life will have it, we sometimes get hurt. These people sometimes intentionally and sometimes not, were part of the problems. The problems could be as simple as not fitting in due to oldest kid syndrome/parental naivete. To harsh words said by people. Or could be caused by regimental upbringing. Events like getting made fun at school (Everyone say awwww now). Or just the fear I was raised with and the expectations amongst other things that I am not going to get into have caused some hurt, some of it is deep hurt. Those hurtful times have stayed with me and I have buried them down deep and have tried to fight against them by acting like I do not care and being stubborn to the expectations that those around me placed.

I guess what I am trying to say is that I have a lot of hurt but as time goes on, more hurt comes but more growth comes as well. This growth and ageing process means that I am not the same person I was when I was 5, 13, 18, 20, or 24. I have changed a lot! There are a lot of similiar things about me and even sometimes that I have stayed the same...making me one of those people who are the same but different. But the hurts of my past still haunt me. So when people meet me at my 'newer' stages of life, they do not see the me I see me or how I once was viewed (by myself or others). I still see the geeky, socially awkward, stuborn, not trendy chubby girl I was for most my life. And I place those social constraints/expectations of how I should be treated as such on other people. So the reason people don't talk to me in my view is because I am uncool and a loser. I am fat and ugly. I am stupid and unintelligent.

I never think that other people may be having the same thoughts about themselves and fear approaching me. I never assume that I may be intimidating to others because they have heard a lot about me, or because I come across as cool, collected and confident. Dare I even say some might even think I am beautiful! (I am really not trying to be arrogant here because beautiful is not a word I use to describe myself at all). I carry the residue of my past with me and all the expectations that that brings into future relationships. I don't know how to go into relationships without my past which has shaped me. I know I am not suppose to just drop it all, but I know that I cannot let it control my interactions with people; especially if I am letting it be fear control me.

I have great friends who build me up all the time. They tell me I am cool, beautiful, funny, great and talented. Most times I believe them, but never with 100%, nor does the belief last long. I always find a way to justify their comment or put it context. I am cool because I am funny or because of something I did.

I have no idea if this is making any sense to any of you who read this. I know for those who are my friends, you'll want to give me compliments. Others won't because you will think I am fishing for them, which just to clarify, I am not acting out of self-pity. I want to love myself the way my friends do, without the conditions and expectations that I have for myself and without the residue of the past, those hurtful experiences that uplifted my weaknesses and vulnerability. I just don't know how to.

These feelings of inadequacy tie into my brokeness because it explains a lot of why I am broken. I am broken because there are things in my life that are not right because I am afraid of being hurt or rejected. Because I cannot trust, and because I cannot fully nor unconditionally love people because such things have not always been given unto me (unless you count Jesus, but I am not right now). So to move on from this level or fear means to fix me first and then my interactions with people as a result of fixing me. And for all you Christians out there, I know that I need to include Jesus in on the process, so don't you worry, we're having good chats about all this fun stuff!

The bottom line is that my future relationships are pretty much already determinded by my past ones and I am the only one who can break that cycle, but it is a lot of hard work and takes a lot of self-identification and coming to terms with a lot of stuff, which is HARD. So be patient with me as I work this out in real life and through my writing (which isn't the greatest, I know.)

AHA!

2007-02-06T23:01:00.000-05:00

I finally took an hour and fiddled with the blog. I know nothing about html, css or any other combination of letters, but a little help from the internet and I figured it all out on my own! BUT...I am not entirely pleased with the outcome. It will suffice for now, but I need to make the banner bigger, and I would like to fiddle with some more colour combinations, because I find these to be BORING. But, it's still kinda neat, just not very sanda-esque.

Time for a change of heart?

2007-02-06T12:42:00.000-05:00

I normally don't really post much about my personal thoughts or feelings, but lately that's all I have been really thinking about. So I'll get the fun stuff out of the way, and if you're still with me, than maybe I will get serious, but only a little.

There have been some fun and exciting things happening, like kidnapping Bec for her birthday (which is actually this coming Monday) on Sunday night for tobogganing in the FRIGID cold weather and having cocco and cupcakes. That was a lot of fun.

I went to Blizzard this weekend. It was a ton of fun yet again. It was a different year for me because I was just helping a friend out by being the female leader for his girls. I hadn't met them till that night, but we ended up having a lot of fun together and some good talks. But I missed my SPEW girls a lot. It just wasn't the same. But while I was up there this year, I was reminded of why I love my current job, plus why I love youth ministry. Sometimes when you are good at something and it comes naturalyl its hard to believe that you really are good at it. So I was encouraged this weekend that yeah, I actually do love hanging out with kids and sharing in the journey of life together. I love talking with them and hanging out and just being their friend. I think because my last year at Queen St was rough, I really backed off this year and so kind of forgot the reasons why I had gone down this path years ago. It was refreshing this weekend to be with a bunch of people too, who I have had the privilege to "grow up" with you might say. I have seen them grow into such strong Christian leaders and it was a real encouragement to see the blessings that I have in my life. I really do have incredible people that I have the privilege of calling friends in my life. I needed to be reminded of that and I am thankful that I got to celebrate that this weekend.

I must also say that the speaker really just spoke truth to me which was really encouraging for me to hear. I felt like it was a male version of me and so that was kind of cool to be able to really identify with this speaker in terms of his introversion and his take on scripture. So yay for Josh!

Okay, so the title, time for a change of heart? Over the last couple weeks I have just been overwhelmed with my own brokenness as a person. Not just how much I suck - I am a pretty good judge of that and perhaps too often of one! But the relationships that I have in my life do not function at the level that they need to. And I realized that this is mainly because of the hurt that these relationships have caused me; my own pride and insecurities that convince me that I don't need help or anyone; and because I choose to hold on to the anger and hurt causing bitterness rather than choosing to reconcile.

I think this is evident to me because lately I have been feeling very alone, even though I am surrounded by people. The reason is that I really do feel abandoned by my parents and even though I am 25 turning 26 and feel that I should have a firm grasp on life, the fact is that I don't. I am still processing the hurt and grief that has resulted out of my parents divorce. I am saddened by the fact that I can't talk to my dad because I don't trust him, which also makes me sad. My mom isn't being entierly helpful either in some of her decisions too. It has been reflection on these two relationships plus a few others that have made me realize that I need to sort out my expectations of my relationships, and then reconcile them if I can. I'm not saying I want to go back to the way things were, but I want to be able to do things like email my dad without fear of a stupid argument starting. I want to be able to laugh and talk with my mom like I used to. I really don't want to be mad at her, but I don't know how not to be under the circumstances. I want to be a good aunt when my brother has kids (which will hopefully not be for like another 5 years), but I want to be able to laugh and joke freely with him and his soon to be wife. I am broken because I have a lot of bad roots in my life, like how I deal with conflict or not deal perhaps. I am broken because I nurse my wounds rather than let them heal and I just focus on the hurt and pain instead of getting better.

All this to say (because I have to go to work now and won't have time later to finish), is that I have just really been trying to reconcile the brokenness in my life rather than avoid it and just cover it up, get to the root of it and try to have meaningful, intentional relationships that help me to grow stronger.

I need a post

2007-02-01T22:28:00.000-05:00

I am leaving for the weekend and so thought I post was needed. I have nothing really new to say. I have been busy, mostly working. But working means things like going to the ACC to watch the Raptors beat the Wizards and see Chris Bosh make an amazing throw well past half court and get it in the net.

I am reading a Margaret Atwood book for my book club. We decided that for our february meeting we would all read one and then discuss Atwood as an author. The only Atwood book in our house is called The Blind Assassin. Let me tell you, it has been a long time since I have picked up a novel that has completely intrigued and I have a hard time putting down. I thought that Atwood might be overrated and so had a hard time being motivated to pick her up. The rumours are all true. Her wit and her writting are incredible. This is another reason why I have not being posting, for I have been reading.

Let's see....our pirates of the carribean party was a huge success. The last our guests left around 4:30am (not including the ones that slept over). We only had one broken shot glass and no vomit to clean up. The music, food and people were amazing. Here are two summary pictures made by one of the girls who came to the party, actually she will be moving into my house when I move away next year.

So all in all, a wicked party!!!

I need to go and write an article for work now, and read and get rid of this gosh darn headache of mine.

winter

2007-01-23T10:20:00.000-05:00

I took a lot of pictures last week. The first batch are from my neighbourhood. There had been freezing rain than snow and every where I looked it was really beautiful. So I went for a walk to capture it.

These ones are from our girls club retreat at camp this weekend. I just discovered that I could take pictures in sepia on my camera. I know, I'm a little slow.

wallpaper

2007-01-17T17:50:00.000-05:00

I hate wallpaper. Though I'd rather spend a week scrapping the stuff up then a day putting it up.
That is all.

But why is the Rum gone!?

2007-01-08T23:45:00.000-05:00

I got this action doll of Captain Jack Sparrow for Christmas from a friend of mine whose name will not appear in an attempt to curb any rumours that might spread from this action of gift giving.
Anyways, it provided a lot of entertainment on Christmas day. The action figure came with his own palm tree as well, which was also put to good use.

And here are a few of my cat, Reef who saw that I was taking pictures and so started posing for the camera. Camera Whore.

WARNING: LONG POST AHEAD

2007-01-04T15:07:00.000-05:00

** YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED**

I am home from Urbana now. Actually, I have been home for awhile, but I am super sick and so have just been sleeping or watching Lord of the Rings while lying on the couch. This afternoon I went to the doctors and they took a blood test, so we shall see what results.

So let's talk about Urbana '06! I had an incredible time and am still processing all that I heard and experienced, which is quite the challenge when you are sick! We were challenged to think of a genuine but thought-provoking response for those who would ask, "How was Urbana?"
I tried to think of something, honestly, I did, but I came up with nothing. At least nothing profound. I was challenged in how I view scripture, in how I treat people, in how I should relate to all people and how I view the world.

Half the time, I don't even know where to begin. I think I might start with some of my 'culture shock' of America. First, I wasn't used to being asked "Smoking or Non-Smoking?" when I entered a restaurant. It has been a very long time since I have heard that. I am also not used to getting a large drink when I wanted a medium. By the end I could remember to specify SMALL. Downtown St. Louis looked like a scene from a zombie movie, very few people and if there were any, they were kind of stumbling around. Very different from many of the cities I live and work in. What I also noticed was that right in the downtown core there where abaondoned and run down buildings. It seems that in Canada, we hide these areas in other parts of our downtown, not the core, or hide it in general. A lot of the poverty of St. Louis was very, very overt, something that is not directly seen in Canada. Also, and I am sorry to say this my American 'friends' who read this blog, but you have horrible, horrible, horrible coffee. I went through hot beverage withdrawal (I could not find a decent and cheap place that sold hot beverages ANYWHERE) and any attempy to remedy that with hotel coffee or even Starbucks was not pleasant at all!! Lastly, a mention about racism in the States in comparison to Canada. Racism exists in Canada, but more in an institutionalized form. We are very used to having a variety of cultures around us at any given time. In St. Louis, the majority of people I saw downtown and who worked in the service sector were African-American. In many of the discussions that were had, people also refered to anyone of black ancestry as African-American and the implications of the Civil War and the Civil rights movement are still largely felt. In Canada, we don't call people with black ancestry African-Canadian. Most of my friends who would fall in this group, refer to themselves either as black or where their nationality comes from. In Canada it seems, we are far more ethno-centred or nationality-centred than specifically race. We don't seem to lump people into one category. Perhaps it is because I work in Toronto and we have a lot more immigration than St. Louis, but it was just something I noticed and it was made evident when the local girl behind me at the convience store said " Why there so many Chinese people here?" As if they are all Chinese, and when you work near Kensington Market, you don't even notice.

Urbana Main Sessions
First, attention must be made to our MC for the week, Greg Jao, the funniest man alive and who actuallly made it possible for one to look forward to annoucements. Seriously, you have to check it out. Just check out either the morning review or our ending annoucements, you will have a chuckle.

The theme this year was based out of the book we were studying, which was Ephesians. We were challenged to look at our lives and see if we were living a 'life worthy of the calling' based on Epheisans 4:13.

I am going to expand a bit on what I experienced, but if you have any questions, you can check out the webcasts yourself and if you still have questions or would just love to dialogue about it, then comment or email me.

Worship: Also on that page you check out some of the worship we got to be a part of. It is incredible to praise God in many different languages and with 22,000+ other people. I loved how we got to dance and sing and be united in praise with an incredibly talented group of people.

Exposition: Ajith Fernando who is the Naitonal Director for Youth For Christ in Sri Lanka exposition of Ephesians, the parts that we didn't do in Bible Study. Ajith spoke clearly and eloquently about what Christ has commanded us to do and how we are to live as Christians. I learned so much about the word in those sessions, I was often surprised when they came to an end.

Speakers: We had a variety of speakers who spoke on many issues and most of them also challenged me in how I think. The evening of the 28th was espeically powerful.
Oscar Muriu, pastor of a church in Kenya challenged those of us who are Westerners about the future relationship with the African Church. His words spoke deeply and truly. He challenged the assumption of 'white is right' in the context of the church. He askes why the African church would follow a western model of church if ours are dying. Would this mean that in 200 years, the African church is going to die as well? So why are Western churches the way to go?
Brenda Salter McNeil preached amazingly. She challenged us with settling. Using the story of Abraham in Gen 11 and 12 to say that where we settle, we will die. So to say YES to God and move forward to what he calls us to. She also expanded my view of biblical culture by expressing that God intended for culture and has revealed himself to all cultures, so no one culture can claim it's ways of worship are superior.
Ray Bakke, who I gained a tremendous amount of repesct for talked to us about the role of the church in an urban context and how important cities are to God's heart. He also taught me how to take the stained glass off and how to view things in a more urban perspective.
Saul Cruz also spoke wise words about walking in our cities and learning about them and getting to know them.
Rick Warren and Lisa Espineli Chinn also had wise words to speak.

There were others who shared testimonies and other profound words. I especially loved the testimony of a girl who works for International Justice Mission. Again, check out the webcast. (Dec. 29 evening)

Musicians: Cross Movement and Jedd Bloom did some rappin' and they were awesome. Check out the webcast on Dec. 28 am, the section called Spoken Word to hear Jedd Bloom rap. He is incredibly talented.

Bible Study: Every morning we woke up and went to bible study, where we did a manuscript study of Epheisans. I learned so much through these studies, though they were really early in the morning and it was very hard to be awake. However, we were challenged to look at the text and the text alone to see what it was saying. Things that I came away with from these studies, WE are the church. The church isn't something we strive for or become, it is what we are when we are in Christ. It is cliche to say that the church is not a building, but people. But I was challenged to address this truth not as a cliche, but as a reality and how does this work out in life, and it is clear in Ephesians -the church is to be a vehicle of blessing, so how do I bless people every day? We looked at what the world view would have been at Paul's time in terms of heaven and earth and what the biblical view is as well. This help me understand a lot of the fluffy stuff that Paul talks about in terms of the powers of the air and rulers and authorities and how that I have access to the power that raised Christ from the dead, so I better start living like that is true. I learned that ecclesia means to be called out and so if I am called out by Christ then I ought to live like it. We also tackled that "hard" scriputre about wives obeying husbands, and once we put a context to it, it came alive with understanding and truth. We talked about how the Ephesians lived under Roman law, the familia paternus where the father owned his wife, children and slaves. So when Paul addresses wives, children and slaves he is making them responsibile for their own spirituality and behaviour. The whole context of submission also has this statement before Paul starts in on wives, he says that we all have to submit to one other out of reverence for Christ. Anyways, this is just a taste of what I struggled to work through this past week.

Books: I bought a lot of books to read and I am very excited to do so.
Courage and Calling by Gordon Smith
Why the Rest Hates The West by Meic Pearce
Good News About Injustice by Gary Haugen

The Highlight:
There were seminars that we got to be a part of, but for a few afternoons they offered us going to various churches and organizations that do work in the city. So I went to Jubliee Community Church in North St. Louis. I went with Tracy and we had a good time. I met a lot of people, but I got to see a side of St. Louis that tourists wouldn't get to. It was very sad to see just how run down the city is. But good to see churches reaching out and making a difference.

And of course, the post would not be completed without some pictures.

Photo 1: Tracy and Me on the Metro Link
Photo 2: Abandonded School North St. Louis
Photo 3: Amy and I out touring, photo taken at the Arch
Photo 4: Building in North St. Louis
Photo 5: Lacelde's Landing, downtown St. Louis
Photo 6: Metro Link tunnel
Photo 7: The Gateway to the West
* hopefully more photos will end up on Flickr soon!

here we go, here we go now

2006-12-24T14:38:00.000-05:00

2 more sleeps and then I will be on a bus heading towards St. Louis, Missouri for URBANA. I am tres excited. But also a wee bit nervous. I also just found out that Cross Movement will be one of the musicians there, which got me REALLY EXCITED.

Dan, my brother fixed my chairs for Christmas. AMAZING. I am really glad to have such a talented brother that way.

I went and saw this movie. Hilarious.

I am thinking of redesigning this here blog. Any ideas? Feel free to email them to me or post a comment.

And lastly, if I don't get a chance to post before I head off. Have a joyous and blessed Merry Christmas and a fantastic New Year. See you in 2007!

about blogging

2006-12-19T10:04:00.000-05:00

There has been a few discussions around blogs this week that I have had. Some people can't understand how they work, or can't really get into them, others have them, think they are neat or great for communication. Having a blog, I still struggle with why I have one and why I keep posting. What I like about blogging is that I get to keep in touch with a ton of friends who live very far away from me. I also like the idea of an interactive journal. I can leave my thoughts and have a dialogue with someone rather than a monologue -though it does feel like that the majority of times.

But I have been having a hard time with blogging this last week. One, there really feels like there is nothing to say and I have been sick as well so my brain can't even get into auto-pilot. I also have been struggling with whether to post or not in terms of respecting the passing of Shelly. I just wonder how long I should leave the post up, out of respect and mourning. And I think sometimes that if I were to blog I am saying I am done with mourning and onto the next thing. Which I know for is not true, but just sort of feels like it would be. But at the same time coming to my blog when I do and being reminded, sucks too.

Even that decision to blog about the death of a friend was hard and difficult to make. Just how private and or public can I be in this public sphere. I think there is a huge tension with a shared public space such as blogging with how, what and when people share. Discovering how to I suppose is just all a part of the process.

and she will blog no more

2006-12-13T09:19:00.000-05:00

I usually love checking my extreme tracker; seeing where all the hits to my blog are coming from, I find really it interesting. But the last few hits, sadly have one thing in common. They are looking for news of Shelly Emmott. I am sorry friends and family, I have no news to offer you than what you already know. I too am saddened by the loss of a good friend, and someone who gave so much to many of the communitites I am a part of, Queen St Baptist and Camp Oneida to name a few. Shelly was an incredible and godly woman, with a lot to offer. I think what I will miss most is her ability to make fireplaces out of popsicle sticks, and her ability to decorate for any party, especially any 80's themed party.

Please keep the Paterson and Emmott families in your prayers.

Photo 1: Meagan and Shelly
Photo 2: Shelly and Craig

I will miss you Shelly.

it's okay

2006-12-10T13:28:00.000-05:00

Idiot moment of the day yesterday. Unknown neighbour approaches door to invite nice girls who delievered baked good to their home to a party.

Idiot answered the door.

"Hey, um, I live across the street over there..."
"That's okay."

Honestly, I don't understand why I am allowed out sometimes.

CSI: St. Kitts

2006-12-04T23:35:00.000-05:00

We are having a bit of a pranking/practical joke war with the girls who live a few doors down from us. They are doing this # of days in december thing. So today being the 4th, we recieved 4 chairs on our front porch. These are the same girls who stole monkey from us as well who decorated our front lawn Sunday morning with blue streamers & balloons and a bright orange sign saying "Fonda & Rimay welcome Carson O. Gynn 9lbs 11oz" on our lawn.

Tonight, they made a little snowman to grace our front steps.
Very cute and innocent. We have been brainstorming ideas of what to do to them. And I like keeping them waiting, because I think it is going to freak them out a little, not knowing when and where we will strike back.
Anyways, I thought it would be fun to take the little snowman and make him a victim and return him to the girls.

So we mixed a little syrup and food colouring together, got an old crappy knife and away we went. The first picture is the finished product and the second is Christine getting it all ready for delievery.

welcome winter & a good night story

2006-12-04T22:26:00.000-05:00

I had been in and out of the house most of the day today. At 5:20pm I arrived home with some groceries. It had been cold, but no indication that was going to change. 25 minutes later I open the door to head out to my book club and there is SNOW coming down like crazy. WHOA.

When I left book club it was still snowing. I cleared my car, and then, WABAAM. Intense amounts of snow making it incredibly difficult to see. I had to drive 40 all the way home. Welcome winter.

In talking with my sister, I was reminded of a great show that used to be on TV. It was called the Oblongs. I was then reminded of this story. It makes a great bed time story. I hope you enjoy.

Fact: Pirates Hate Ninjas

2006-12-02T17:39:00.000-05:00

The other night I was sitting quietly in my room talking with some girls and just chillin'. BOOM, BANG, CRASH, SCREAM is what we hear upstairs. We look at each other, hear some more crashing and then some laughing and then more crashing. We decided to head upstairs to see what is going on.

As we went up the stairs and tried to enter the kitchen, we see 3 ninjas with real swords and a video camera demanding/screaming to know where monkey is. Well, the race was on. Who could get to monkey first? Though we tried, us girls could just not fight off the ninjas. Really, it was the fact that they had real swords that hurt when they pointed into your skin. So once again at the onset of the Christmas season, our friend Monkey was stolen. (you'll have to scroll down to dec. 10th I believe).

The ransom was 10 oatmeal chocolate chip cookies to be delievered on Sunday. We know that it was the girls who live down the street. But after the pouring rain that left their basement flooded, the girls went over with fresh baked cookies and hot chocolate to warm after their basement clearing efforts. I was in Toronto at work, and was unable to be a part of the cookie and hot chocolate action.

Ghetto Days

2006-11-29T18:11:00.000-05:00

Today I discovered two things.

1. I have been helping a friend who is a house flipper. So the last 2 days I have been painting and scrapping wall paper- and I love it! Way better than the bakery, believe me. Today we really wanted to listen to my discman, but I needed a battery since the ones we kept finding we already dead. The house we are working on is downtown and in a bit of a rougher neighbourhood. It is almost right across from the 'roughest' high school that St. Catharines has to offer. Right across from the house is a little tiny 'convience' store. There are always kids hanging outside the store, the look like they want to be rough and gangsta. I decided to go and see if this ghetto looking store sold batteries. I walk inside and whoa...ghetto! There are mismatched painted walls, gangsta tunes blaring, some wanna be gangsta kids sitting around, pool tables, arcade and in the very far back corner, an older gentlemen surrounded by his merchandise of pop, pizza and chips. I asked him if he sold batteries and he said, yes only the little ones though. I made sure that they were double AA, and then I was like...'oh, but you don't have debit. (as I had forgotten to get some cash out of the bank earlier today). His response was, "oh don't you worry, it's only .25 cents for one." Well then, one I will take! I truly appreciated the little store at that moment. It made my afternoon.

2. As I was scrapping wall paper I got to a section underneath the 5 or so layers that we have been peeling off, that had a written message left. It was hard to get all the words, but basically that this wall was written on January 30 1943 by a Ralph Alexander who was in grade 6, room 9. There were then some random messages, like Daddy (or maybe it was doddy) is in Vancouver, BC. Something about christmas, 1942 and a red & white house. I can't remember all of them and I didn't have my camera to take a picture, hopefully it will still be there when I return to work on Monday! Anyways, I enjoyed my day because of these 2 things, and well because I was working with Patricia too!

The Door

2006-11-23T15:17:00.000-05:00

Not this door.

But the door that opened into the room of me and my roommate. Together we shared a room at the far end of the fall hallway. It was a beautiful little room that was filled with wonderful sarcasm and wit. As an extension of our beautiful humour and rebellion against those in authority and who where 'uptight' about their moral compass, we decided that our door would post things that made us laugh as well as provoked uncomfortable feelings in our little Christian community.

The other day, I found the envelope of what I had kept from Nata's and my door and I wish to share much of it with you because it brings me great delight and well as our door always said;
SMILES AND SAUCE ARE KEY TO HOLIDAY ENTERTAINING

So here is some of the things that ended up in my collection.

Magazine cut out quotes

"Contrary to popular opinion"
"still not satisfied" (still probably very true)

Quotes
"And everyday you're in this place you're two days nearer death". ~ Great Big Sea

"I am a product of my repressive religious upbringing".~ Anon.

"I loathe people who keep dogs. They are cowards who have not got guts to bite people themselves". ~ August Strindberg

"You may be beaten or murdered for reasons that are hard to understand". ~ Traveler's Health Guide

"It is better to spend your time at funerals than at festivals. For you are going to die, and you should think about it while thre is still time". ~ Eccl. 7:3 (NLTB)

"I trust I make myself obscure!" ~ Thomas More (A Man For All Seasons)

"There's something about death that is comforting. The thought that you could die tomorrow frees you to appreciate your life now". ~ Angelina Jolie

"If a person offends you and you are in doubt as to whether it was intentional or not, do not resort to extreme measures. Simply watch your chance and hit him with a brick". ~ Mark Twain

Posters

How are you feeling today?

Randoms

stress (stres), n. A condition. When a person's minf overcomes the body's desire to choke the living daylights out of someone who desperately deserves it.

a version of this.

Satan's Beatitudes

And a cooler version of these lines.

My favourite though was this poem when we learned about the various world ISM's or religions, or maybe it was both. It was suppose to show us just how dark humanism could be, but I think Nata and I both found the hedonism of it to be slightly, hrm, attractive?

INVICTUS

Out of the night that covers me,
Black as the Pit from pole to pole,
I thank whatever gods may be
For my unconquerable soul.

In the fell clutch of circumstance
I have not winced nor cried aloud.
Under the bludgeonings of chance
My head is bloody, but unbowed.

Beyond this place of wrath and tears
Looms but the Horror of the shade,
And yet the menace of the years
Finds and shall find me unafraid.

It maters not how strait the gate,
How charged with punishments the scroll.
I am the master of my fate;
I am the captain of my soul.

WARNING: HERESY ON THE LOOSE

I think that was the part that we liked the best, because we both knew that we had the tendency to be a bit on the hertical side of things. I know for myself, I still am in a lot of ways.

And lastly, in honour of Nata.

"Daddy will not buy Little Bunny a treat.
I AM SO MAD!
Little bunnies who scream and kick do not get treats".
~So Mad, Bunny!

There are many other items in the envelope most would be inside joke or BL specific memories. Such as Major Tree's Dog Tag and the bloody sword. There were many comic strips and other images from magazines but for now they are purely for my viewing pleasure alone.

ahhh, it is good to remember.

Soul Sister, Soul

2006-11-23T00:08:00.000-05:00

There's a dance party going on right now in Victoria's room. I went upstairs to see what all the noise was about and why the incessant shouting of my name though the vents was about. So I went up to find my housemates "dancing". Most times, this would be hilarious and I'd definetly get in on the action. But tonight, tonight I am exhausted. I am super tired and sore. Not even to sure why I am sore. Tired, I've got tons of reasons, mainly it's the working world making me old. Anyways, I am feeling slightly anti-social and so am going to head to bed shortly.

In other news, tomorrow I am meeting the family I am working for. More details to follow.

Also, I have to post about why I think God is amazing. Definetly some cool things happening on that end and should send out a shout out to God there for providing not only one, but 2 jobs the day after I said I really need to quit the bakery. So quit the bakery I did. Maybe I will tell you more. But really, the real fun in telling you more is in the comments. (take the hint, embrace the hint, act on te hint).

I try, really I do

2006-11-21T08:06:00.000-05:00

So yesterday I was working on a post when my browser got all messed up and well, the result is that I have no post. It will eventually come but it takes a bit of work and so it will have to wait until I have a solid chunk of time.

I have these moments when I think I should blog about this. But then I forget and move on and at the end of the day when I come home, I am ususally just too tired to post about anything.

Anyways, here's a bit of an update. I think I am going to quit my bakery job today or tomorrow. I really can't take it. The pay check is the only reason I am up and ready to go now. Yesterday I was offered a job connection so hopefully that works out and in the meantime I am going to be helping my friend's dad rennovate houses with Patricia!!! So at least God has provided! But hopefully I will find something a little more so that when work at the house runs out, I am not in trouble.

Had a good weekend for the most part. I worked both jobs. But my job at the mission never feels like work, I love it there. It was so good to see everyone from camp again. I am really excited for next summer!

I am working on grad school applications and over the course of last week, I have decided not to apply to Carleton for several reasons. One being that I remembered that the past president of Brock is now currently the president at Carleton and really the two schools are on par in terms of reputation, and so I am going to be an academic snob basically and snub Carleton. The other reason was there was no way I would have gotten my application ready for the 1st of Decemeber without killing myself. This way I retain both finances and my sanity. I also was thinking it would be nice to be up in the Ottawa area for my sister, but she is thinking of coming back home to go to Mac. But I cannot make my decision based on her and so Laurier and U of T are it. So here's hoping!!

GHAC!

2006-11-18T08:13:00.000-05:00

This is just a little shout out in honour of my little brother. He plays on his sr. football team and yesterday they played their championship game, and THEY WON!!!!
Which means they are onto GHAC next! Way to go NATE!

Sigh.

2006-11-11T07:17:00.000-05:00

I slept horribly last night and now I have to go to work for 9 hours. Sigh. I work up twice in a panic about being late for work. One was at 2:30am and the second one must have been about 45min later, but that time I didn't look at the clock. I was so convinced that it was time to get up and get moving (because I swear I hear my alarms go off), that I bolted right out of bed and into the shower. It was only when I got back to my room to see how much time I had left that I saw the clock read 3:51am. Sigh.

And now it is 7:12am and I should be eating breakfast but I almost ate a whole pizza last night and am now suffering the consequences, i.e having a fat day, where my hair should be down and not up. I most definetly have to put my contacts on for sure now. Sigh. The gym closes at 7 tonight and is only open from 9-5 on Sundays and I am super busy tomorrow. Sigh. But tomorrow I get to see my sister Amaris! yay!

Today is also apparently wet and cold. Sigh.

Well I have to leave early for work today because I have to go and drop off the baked goods that my housemates small group made for Out of the Cold, and I am doing the projection for church tomorrow, so I must grab the labtop now because I won't be able to after work. sigh. I am excited though, tomorrow I get to do the Out of the Cold shift from 6-8:30am. SO EARLY! Then it will be church, work and home to visit the fam dam! no sigh for that one!

Off to work. sigh.

Drink to that

2006-11-09T07:35:00.000-05:00

Between all my housemates and I, there are only 3 shot glasses in our house. Though they are intended for alcohol, this last week has shown me that there are other practical uses for such an item. I use them as an egg cup for my hard boiled eggs. I also had happened to leave my overnight bag in Toronto this week. And as it would happen, my contact case was in my backpack. My contacts were in my eyes. So, the shot glasses have become my temporary contact container for the week. Perhaps when I get my contact case back I will celebrate with the proper use of a shot glass.

HAPPY (day after) HALLOWE'EN

2006-11-01T21:54:00.000-05:00

Yesterday was one of the best Hallowe'ens that I have had in a long time! I thought it was going to be horrible because I had to work until 6pm and then rush home, and this year Hallowe'en just seem to come so quickly, that I just did not have time to prepare. But anyways, on Monday night, Sonia and I went to Howell's pumpkin patch and had a great time. We did the corn maze and the scare barn and boy did we scream in the barn!! This year I liked the corn maze much better than I did three years ago. This year there was no creepy guy chasing me with a chain saw.

Last night was good as well. I dressed up as a dead witch and Christine as a zombie bride. We answered the door and gave out candy. The night before I carved my pumpkin and it was wonderful. The house was decorated decently. I wish I could afford to do more, one day, for sure!
We had a handful of kids unfortunately, and 3 drunk students. I think they came because my pirate flag was hanging in the window and the one was dressed as a pirate.

My housemates and I then watched Shaun of the Dead and had a good laugh with that. While we were watching, our friends who live down the street tried to steal our pumpkins. We caught them the first time, but we did not suceed the second time. So after I had finished watching the movie, I went to go and get my pumpkin back. I was wearing a long black cloak, so figured I could because some sort of giant pumpkin if I put the hood of the cloak around the pumpkin and put the pumpkin on my head. I thought I would bang on the girls windows with it, to let them know I was taking my pumpkin back.

Before I was able to do that, we saw a group of drunk students walking down the street. So I decided that trying to be the giant pumpkin to them would be funny. It was in fact, hilarious. I stood beside a car and then walked out and followed them. The girl that was with them saw me and gave me like, are you/this for real look. Then the one guy, who was totally drunk, turned around and was surprised. He came right up to my face and like screamed and danced in front of me, but I just kept walking towards him and he turned and ran, and pushed his friend into a pile of garbages with leaves in it. At this point, the guy who fell into the leaves noticed me, and was like, "Dude!! If I'm dressed as a zombie, that guy is a REAL zombie!!!" I just kept following them, but they got really freaked out and panicked like and just walked really fast down the street to get away from me. If only they had looked down, they would have seen my skate shoes and jeans, and figured that I was just a little girl!!! hahahaha

I wish there were more drunk people last night to scare, it would have been fun.

Morning Devos

2006-10-23T21:42:00.000-04:00

At camp this summer our morning devotions for the campers were done a la video. They are now up on google video for our viewing pleasure.

This video is our 'core award'. We give a prize to the campers who memorize the chunk of scripture that is our bible lesson theme. This years theme was transformation.

And it was broken down like this:
Tuesday's lesson - Living sacrifice
Wednesday's lesson - Customs of the World staring my sister. It's dec yo.
Thursday's lesson- Transformation "How you say,...? How you say,...?" This one by far is my favourite.

Video's for Fridays and Saturdays lessons weren't done, but we talked about battles of the mind and being the body of Christ.

sadmadglad

2006-10-18T11:33:00.000-04:00

Monday night was a night of sadmadglad. I was glad because I had a great time at the HOPE dinner and then watched thank you for smoking, which was hilarious. I was glad too when my mom had called because she had good news about some items of ours that my dad had taken and we thought we would never see them again. But we got them back! yay!! My mom was glad because she got her Beswick horses back, and I was glad because I got the picture that I bought in France back. I bought it from the artist's district (Le Marais) when I was there in 2000.

But I was mad because my mom updated me on my dad's behaviours especially in regards to how he is choosing to spend his money. It was just so frustrating because I am struggling to make ends meet and yet there my dad goes, spending money on everyone but his own family. My dad is the type of person I just can't ask for money either; it's just not worth the hassle.

All this really just makes me sad because I know that my dad can't change and that he can't help himself get better. Just realizing that night, the depth of my own hurt made me sad as well because it means that in order for me to move on, I have a lot of work to do in healing who I am.

Anyways, I got this picture this week in an email and it made me glad because it is a silly picture of me from camp where I don't look horrendous.
I'm also glad because I had 2 job interviews yesteday! Let's hope by Monday I have a JAY-OH-BEE!

O-Town

2006-10-10T19:06:00.000-04:00

I am in Ottawa for a few days visiting the sister and some camp friends. Do not despair, I will return.

Annual Trip

2006-10-02T14:45:00.000-04:00

This past weekend we had our annual camping trip. And like always it was a great time of fun, relaxtion and just enjoying life. I could not get over the night stars our first night. Incredible. They were so bright, clear and close, it was amazing. I couldn't get this song out of my head! Not that was a bad thing.

This year we strayed away from the Bruce Penisula and went east to the Kingston area, and camped in Frontenac Provinical Park. It was a pretty good experience, though we were 'late' on the Friday night and so the park officials gave us a hard time about hiking at night. Ironically, our first and only injury that we have had in our 3 years of backcountry camping happened on the Sunday morning in the broad day light. And of course, I was the victim/idioit who had tried to jump a bit and ended up slipping and completly rolling my ankle. The result-a sprained ankle which makes my foot look like a CANKLE!

Other highlights from the trip include:

a full day without rain-a first in our hiking history!
an opportunity to ditch our packs and explore for a bit
no more than 2 hour hikes with our packs on
morning mist
watching a dragonfly eat a bumblebee for dinner
pumping water with this bad boy
and of course, giving a Trevor an unexpected and unwelcomed hug! haha..loved it!

Here are some pics of our good times!

The Jungle

2006-09-26T23:49:00.000-04:00

Today was my second day of work, and that's it for the week. Sort of. Normally I will be working Thursdays and Fridays at the Mission, but this week we had training all day yesterday and then we did a mail drop at Lawrence Heights which is the community I will be working in over the next however long.

Lawrence Heights is also known as the Jungle to the kids who live there. It was my first real experience with Toronto government housing. I think the one thing that surprised me was the lack of pride in their property. I am not to sure what to think of it entirely.

Overall, I love my job! I love my co-workers and I have loved being in Toronto these last two days.

Things to update on
1. I still do not have my second part time job.
2. I went to pump gas a week ago, and discovered that my gas pipe was no longer attached to the outside. The car is getting fixed tomorrow!
3.I am enjoying the sounds of Shawn McDonald and his cd Ripen.
4. I have decided to do my masters in social work. The four schools I am looking at are, U of T, Laurier, Carleton and York. And yes, in that order.
5. My room is almost rearranged!

Existentialism at its finest

2006-09-20T21:13:00.000-04:00

Things that don't exist. Hilarious. Watch the video and have the lyrics beside you.

Ontario Tour 2006

2006-09-13T13:08:00.000-04:00

Saturday Sept. 2
4pm Leave SMC, Caledon, ON
6pm Arrive in Hamilton.
6:30pm Leave for Paris, On to visit the bro and drop of the dog.
10pm Arrive back in Hamilton

Sunday Sept. 3
5am Wake Up
6am Leave for Ottawa
12pm Arrive at Amaris' residence at U of Ottawa

Spend the afternoon moving Amaris in and shopping for groceries.
Dinner in the ByWard Market at Zac's.
Emily, Mom and Sanda explore Ottawa and visit the Parliament buildings. Encounter raccoons at the cat shelter.

Monday Sept. 4
5am Wake Up
6am Leave for Thunder Bay
Drive All Day
12pm Lunch stop in Sudbury
7pm Dinner stop in Wawa
1:15am Arrive at Emily's in Thunder Bay

Tuesday Sept. 5
10am Wake up
11:30am Breakfast at the Thunder Bay Restaruant (best ever)
Afternoon shopping-yay for the superstore! Get the rest of Emilt's stuff from her friend Ange.
6pm- The Cascades
8pm Chill at Em's
10pm- Beer, Wings & Pool at Friends
12:30am BED!

Wednesday Sept. 6
6:30am Wake Up
7:30am On the Road, leaving Thunder Bay
12pm Lunch stop in Wawa
Scenic stops in Lake Superior Provinical Park
3:30pm Swimming in Lake Superior! (Batchawana)
7pm Dinner in Sudbury
12:15 arrive home in Hamilton

Thursday Sept. 7
8am Wake Up
9:30 Breakfast with mom at the Egg & I- run into old youth Pastor Dave O.
10:30 Great Glasses-I get new frames and contacts!
12:30pm Pick up new frames
1pm Head Home
2pm Arrive home in St. Catharines

Since you've been gone

2006-09-10T16:38:00.000-04:00

Wow. It's been awhile and a lot has happened over the summer.

Camp is now finished and I am home. My summer at SMC was pretty amazing. It was hard and challenging, but growing in so many ways. I know that I have been changed in a lot of ways and I look forward to the year to see just how much I have changed. Good times, good people, I couldn't ask for more, expect, well some changes to the kitchen could have been made and some of my stress reduced and my summer would have been better. But had it not been for those stresses, I would not have learnt what I did.

Now that I am back, I need to find a job. But I am so burnt out, I have been sleeping and sleeping my days away. My car still isn't entirely unpacked! Granted, I only got in Thursday afternoon, but still I need to get my act together. However, at the end of the month, I will be starting my part-time position at The Scott Mission working with the after school clubs, so for that I am excited!

That's it for now, but I will try to post some camp pics and some of Ontario Tour '06 later when I stop being so burnt out.

2 week notice

2006-08-21T08:01:00.000-04:00

I am at camp for two more weeks. In some ways that makes me really sad, but in other ways really happy. The things I will miss is the outdoors aspect, lifeguarding and swimming with the kids and some of the staff. What I won't miss is my job as head cook. I have tried really hard to like it, but I just can't. There are aspects of it that I like, but for the most part, it is too much work and responsibility, keeps me away from the kids and I have a pretty crummy staff to work with. If it weren't for my amazing assistant cook (and housemate!), I would have probably quit. The kids part of camp though, has been awesome. I love these kids so much! I applied to work part-time with the mission in the fall, but if that falls through, well then come September 2, I am unemployed, until I get a job. Eek!